What are you looking for?
1 month ago · · lesbian, · Explicit
I don't want to apologize for something that has caused me so much pain solely because of how others treat it, but I will anyway because I know how much this will affect how you see me. I don't want this to change how you see me and it's fucked up that it will and it's not my fault, but you are my mom, and as much as I hate it, I feel responsible for letting you down lightly so as to cause as little pain as possible for you. Even though you've treated me with complete disrespect as a human being for so long.
And at this point, I know you're freaking out, wondering what it is that I'm going to tell you.
You probably think I'm pregnant or something, with some random man's "illegitimate" child. You'd probably try to hide from my siblings that I was "some kind of fornicator" if that was the case. I'm sure you'll wish that I was just pregnant, because that would be a one-time occurring thing that didn't necessarily affect my afterlife.
No, Mom, I did not kill someone. I did not rape anyone. I haven't sold meth or tried to kill myself or swindled anybody.
I'm just gay. I like women, I love women, and I always will. I've known for years, I've pretended it wasn't real for years, and I've finally come to terms with myself and I'm okay with it. Except for you. I feel perfectly happy with myself and so ready to get out there and find true love—some days, I can even get over the homophobes!—but what I can't do is get over how awfully you will treat this. How you'll look at me with those sorrowful, judging eyes you always do. You'll frown, and you'll say "no, don't insult yourself like that, who made you this way? you're not gay. Why do you think you're gay? Stop saying that." You'll tell me "this is not the influence of god in your life." You'll tell me I'm listening to Satan, that I'm possessed, and that I need to pray more. You'll probably force me to get baptized again.
There's a lot of things you don't and won't understand. One of them is that I'm not going to follow your "ten steps to being straight" plan. And I'm not going to deny my sexuality and my dream of being in love and having a happy relationship with someone just because you think it would be better for my next life.
You don't always get to control me. You can pray for me all you want, but I'm not going to stick around and take it like a dog anymore. I want to be happy with myself, and the only thing stopping me is your angry face and your angry thoughts and your angry actions. I'm done being steered by them. I want to take back my own fucking life.
I love you. Don't ever think I don't. But I have to draw a line.
—sincerely, your daughter