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My thoughts at 12:27 am
1 month ago · · Thoughts, · Explicit
I like to think of myself as a good person. The issue is that I cannot find the words to explain what makes me one. I believe it to be true because I find myself crying easily; I think that qualifies me as an empath. I cry so goddamn much. A lot of the time it is through frustration. I also cry when I watch cheesy movies. Or movies about death. Death really makes me cry. The strangest part about it is that I have never lost someone close to me. I have heard of people that have lost parents, siblings, children, spouses, etc. I have lost nothing. Yet I weep as if I have experienced the most grave loss of my life. I watch movies where people die and I cry as though I can understand the pain. I do not know why I cry. Is it the vagueness of it all? Or is it me imagining the person that died is someone I love? I am more afraid of losing someone than I am of dying myself. It sounds crazy but in a way I feel almost immortal. Maybe everyone feels this way. I cannot shake the idea that I will never die. Obviously I have come to terms with the notion that I will, but it does not feel real. Losing someone feels so real. God help whoever decides to be there for me when I grieve a loss because it is going to be one of the ugliest sights of all. Death is scary, yet I find it beautiful. Not really. I like to say that though because it means that I can see things in a positive light. It is not beautiful. It is life-altering. Literally. I put myself down all the time because of insignificant things such as getting a C in my cell biology class. Although, not that insignificant considering the fact that I am supposed to be a pre-med student. The point is, I pity myself so much to the point that I ignore the sheer fact that I am so lucky to even be able to cry about my grades. It is extremely hard to believe that you are lucky, and that you could have it worse. Here I am. I have all my limbs; my body is healthy; I have a roof over my head; I have food; I have a family that loves me. That is what I am supposed to tell myself. I need to be grateful for all I have because So and So does not have both legs and So and So lost their mother last year. Am I the only one that slightly feels like garbage for comparing myself to someone else and saying that I am better than them and I should be lucky? It is a real “screw you” to everyone who is worse off. And maybe they are not worse off. Yeah I have all my fucking teeth and my eyes work fine but I am living in constant fear. I am afraid to live. I am so scared to figure out what I want to do in life because I do not think it is what I have been telling people I want to do. It sounds so nice to say, “I want to be a doctor.” Nothing beats the look on people’s faces and their nods of approval. However, what I really want to do is write, speak, and exist… I do not know what that even means. This whole life thing sucks, but it sure is better than death. I think.