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My family and my love
1 month ago · · Stress need advice,
I personally prefer a pen and a diary to write down my emotions and feelings. Me and my bf used to write journals on a daily basis. We used to pen down the things for which we are grateful, our todos, and our feelings and thoughts for the day.
Since the covid times and the lockdown, I am at my home and my mom doesn't like me having a diary. She tries to check my phone(have gone thru my phone gallery), my diary(which I had). Once I was writing my diary as usual when I first came home, she told me not to do these things as anyone can read it and you have your marriage ahead. I don't like my personal space being invaded.
I come from a conservative middle-class family. The children of our family are expected to behave as their parents want them to. Needless to say, they cant have a bf/gf especially from outside our community.
So, here is me,24 years old, who has a bf from outside our community, whom I love so much. I feel safe and comfortable around him. I can be "me" around him and I don't have to act that I am the ideal girl my family expecting me to be. He is my happy place. Hours feel like seconds when I am with him.
Talking about my relationship, I met him on my office bus. After some formal and informal conversations and meetings, we knew we liked each other and started to spend more time together. It is now more than 2 years since we have known each other. There was never a proposal from anyone, we just knew that this is what we both wanted. During office days, I used to spend my weekend at his place. When lockdown happened, I spend around 3 months with him and got to know him even better. I have spent around 11 months staying with him. Time literally flies when I am with him.
Now there was too much pressure on him for getting married from his family, so we decided to tell my mom first about us. So I called him to my hometown and made my mom meet him. She was so angry I could see it on her face. She told me not to forget about our "family ijjat" and this thing is never gonna happen.
She scolded me few times for this and I just kept crying. A few days later, things went normal and we stopped discussing this.
After some days, my papa told me that he is thinking of my marriage. I told him, no, and I don't want to see anyone. He got angry and told me that you have to do as we say. But I kept saying no. Then he asked me if I like anyone. Initially, I didn't say anything, but he kept asking, so I said YES. Then he asked me the name and his caste. When he got to know that he is not from our caste, he went mad out of anger and disappointment. He said that I broke his trust and he will never accept this thing. No one ever in our family has done this thing and if you do this, you will choose my death. I was just crying. His BP went high probably, and he was not feeling good. I was so scared. My mom asked me to tell him that I will marry as per his wish. So I said the same thing to my papa. Then he got calm.
I stopped talking to anyone in my family. Again the same topic used to come up and they used to tell me the same thing.
A few days later, they told this thing to some relatives and they came to our place and told me that you should not do this as this will defame and put shame on not only your parents but the entire family. They kind of forced me to leave him and block him. I just nodded to everything they said.
Later, I told this thing to my bf that my family is against us and I don't see they will accept us. But He is not ready to accept that I won't be a part of his life anymore and he can't see his future without me. Even I can't imagine my life without him, but I can't go against my parents and marry him as this will have an adverse effect on my parent's life. They won't be able to live.
Now I have said to them that I will marry as per them, but the thought of leaving him is killing me from inside. My mental health is declining. I don't feel like doing anything. I still talk to him. He still believes everything will be fine.
I just don't know what will happen. I am not able to imagine life without him but at the same time, I want my parents to be happy.
I feel I am the reason for everyone suffering around me and that I should have not done this thing in the first place knowing that how my family is. But I have done it already. I don't see any way out. I feel my life is meaningless now. I feel all the darkness around me.
I only pray that somehow any miracle should happen and my parents should accept him with pride.