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is my dad hurting me?
1 month ago · · daddy issues, · Explicit
i’m just gunna write ever observation i have of my dad making me uncomfortable. but first i have to explain some things. so my dad is a control freak and has serious control issues. he always has to be the “manly man” of the house. when he was little, he was assaulted. so every time i say he makes me uncomfortable he gets really emotional and is like “i would never to do that someone” and stuff. he has done so much for me and always says it. he pays for my whole life. anyways, a lot of times he touches me and it makes me very uncomfortable. years ago it started out as just touching my shoulder and other innocent acts like that. him and girlfriend always say how they are touchy people. my dad loves hugs. about a year or two ago i went to my moms and therapist (my parents are divorced, 50/50) saying that he makes me uncomfortable. i don’t remember what exactly happened, but it was something that made me anxious apparently. i tend to block out a lot. he said he would do it less. that usually lasts for a week. point is, it’s been going on for a while. most of the time he does stuff like hug me for a longish time, and kiss my neck kinda slowly. it feels intimate. he always has done this. when he pulls pack it’s like slow and makes me feel dirty thinking about it. a lot of times he runs into my room (without knocking, he never knocks) and jumps onto my bed. when i’m in bed, he lies next to me for only a few minutes and when he hugs/kisses me he’s like hovering over my body. like with his arms on either side of me and he leans down. shit this is making me so anxious typing it. i went to my therapist again more recently (6 months ago??) and i am continuing to talk about it to her. the other day he touched my ass. i was at my cousins house alone in her room (i was very stressed and crying. forgot to mention i have multiple mental disorders and have been to long term and short term treatment places) and he walked in. he was apparently worried i was going to hurt myself (i’ve been clean for months). while i was laying down on my stomach crying still he slapped my ass like three times before he left. like saying goodbye? it’s hard to explain, but was stunned. i didn’t say anything. that whole time i was telling him i just needed to text my therapist, so as soon as he left and went back downstairs i told her. she said it wasn’t ok. the rest of the week i was anxious around him. i am scared while in my room with the door closed, waiting for him to just come in. he has sat on the stairs which are outside my door with my door open before. and he doesn’t like when i close my door. every time i hear footsteps i freak out. when i’m getting dressed i shield myself with my closet door in fear, he has walked in on me changing only a couple times and i don’t think he has seen anything but still. i think most of his issues stem from his need to control me. he’s a narcissist. i think i give him that gratification or whatever he needs. he has also held the back of my neck while i’m walking and pushed my face to the side so i look him in the eyes when he’s talking. he always asks me to look him in the eyes. his room that he changes in is across from my room, so whenever he tells me to keep my door open and is changing, he is usually shirtless only wearing a towel. he walks around like that into my room, and just around the house touching everything. it’s like he needs to be seen as manly or dominant. he knocks on the bathroom door (which i lock) when he needs to tell or ask me something, but it feels better being locked in there. whenever i’m really anxious i go into the bathroom and say i have a stomach ache or something similar. he always says he is nice but at the same time he has always scared me. when he got divorced with my mom, it was bad. he apparently used to knock on locked doors. there was so much shit that went on, and a lot of the time it involved the police and going to court. so let’s just say our relationship isn’t perfect by any means. is my mom manipulating me to not like him because she doesn’t like him? am i genuinely ok for wanting him to not do these things. thank u, i would really appreciate a response.