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I feel disgusting and I'm really struggling to love myself
10 months ago · · Emotions,
I just feel terrible.
I'm experiencing this great sensation of self loathing and while I'm normally a pretty upbeat, confident person, I couldn't feel farther away from that right now.
I feel lonely because my best friend who I love more than anything in the world hasn't been returning my texts as often and she doesn't really talk to me even in the one class we have together at school. I have a lot of friends and I know it's silly, but I can't help but wonder if they all secretly don't like me or find me annoying. I do have one friend who I've been getting on really great with recently, but he has a super controlling toxic girlfriend who won't let him hang out with girls outside of school (though technically I'm a closeted nonbinary person).
I also feel sad because my younger brother (13) has been being increasingly mean to me. He insults me, bursts into my room without asking, tells me what to do, bends the truth to our parents, and kind of shoves me around (he's finally gotten bigger than me).
I also accidentally made my mom mad and she did this thing I absolutely hate. She pretends like everything is fine, and tells you straight to your face that she's fine, but really she's mad and you have to figure out what is real and she gets more upset when you ask if she's angry, but also upset if you act like everything is fine, so you have to pretend along with her. It just makes me feel super guilty and instead of talking and solving the problem or even just moving on, I am just left feeling gross.
I normally love myself, but right now I really don't. I feel like everyone hates me or is just pretending to like me. Even though I guess I'm kind of conventionally attractive, I feel so ugly and wrong, especially with gender dysphoria. I don't recognize myself in the mirror and when I do think I look pretty I don't think I deserve it and someone (mainly my brother or an extended family member) will normally make some comment that kills my confidence.
I know this isn't a healthy way of thinking, but I just can't figure out how to make it stop. I just need help...