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3 months ago · 26 · Numb, +10
Nothing matters anymore. I just have to find the courage to die. And I will... Sooner or later.
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hey there...i'm just taken aback by how strong you have been until now. I say this because turning to suicide as the last method to free oneself is only taken by people who believe nothing could help them, since they were the only person who were there for their own self. and it may have been so exhausting for you... *hugs tightly*
even if we have people in our life who care for us genuinely, they don't solve everything for us but they make us feel less alone and less self dependant in our life.
everything hurts and life has been awfully unfair and happiness seems to only exist in our fantasies. but having a genuine friend has another effect. it hurts less, way less..life still seems unfair but at least it wasn't unfair enough to not give us that friend who's there for us..happiness does not last all the time but the little moments you share with them are bright and puts a smile on our faces.
you are not as alone as you think are. the internet is not a safe space for the most part so I won't extend a friendship hand so suddenly. but we can share our differences on this platform anonymously and hence be safe.
i want you to not give up on yourself because you have fought for too long against your hardships. and you have the strength in you to make your life amazing for yourself. i'll help you in any way I can. i'll be there for you all the time.
you don't need courage to die. you need courage to live
also, i think this is important for you to know...that..you are not a victim, you are a survivor
Words. These are the words that I wanted to hear the most. But unfortunately, there's no one who can help me get through this. I've been through and through this, but I'm really exhausted. I no more know how to live my life. I no more know how good I've once been. All I can think if is this worthless useless person I've become. I just don't feel anything anymore. But I know one thing for sure. It's me who made myself this useless and I blame no one else. It's my fucking fault that I'm this worthless and crazy. I hate myself. I just do. I hate myself for the person I've become. This thought always haunts my mind.
Hey, sorry for the late reply. I have had exams...
I'm glad I was able to say the words you have wanted to hear. And I see that you are completely exhausted. That makes me understand that you don't believe in hope anymore..., I won't say that you are wrong for believing so. Because if I was in your shoes, I would have felt the same. The constant disappointment we face from everyone and our own self can make anyone lose their will to move on. So you are only being humane here. It's okay to let yourself feel this vulnerable because if we stay strong for too long, the burnout can almost make us lose our real emotions. And we don't want that!
Btw, this may be inappropriate but I'm so happy to see your response. I'm still worried that my late reply would make you not want to converse with me anymore but I won't give up on you now...so well, you are gonna hear a lot of nagging from a random stranger on the internet from now on.
You said you don't know how to live your life anymore. Well, that is a strange statement. What if you don't have to know how to keep living, but you just have to LIVE? What I said, sounds surreal because there seem to be no happy moments around but that is not a good enough reason to believe that our lives are always going to be dull and worthless. You don't have to deal with this on your own! Let's become friends but stay anonymous for now, for the sake of maintaining mutual security. Let's support each other and make ourselves feel less alone in this world. It doesn't hurt to give this a try, right? What more could we lose at this point? If anything, I'm sure we are only going to make gains.
Also, when you say you are sure you are useless, crazy and hateful, I want you to know that even if what you say has a reasonable logic behind it, everyone deserves a second chance. The things we do, are never completely our fault. Everything a person does is based on how the people around them influenced or behaved towards them and what circumstances that person was in.
I don't know much about you but I don't believe it when you say such things about yourself. A person doesn't have a limit or a break to what they become. People can change. It's not up to you to change them of course. But that's a different story when we are the person who wants to change. I want to tell you that it's completely possible to turn your life around and you don't have to do it alone. Let's do this together. What if this time, the outcome would be something which gives you those happy moments that make you realize the reasons to live on for yourself? You already have many reasons, but this is just a way for you to realize those reasons on your own.
I would love to be your friend. And I'm not saying this just to be nice. I really mean it.
Like I said, I can't give up. Are you still there? Please be there.
Fortunately, I'm still there. I gave a thought about it. I could say I'm better now. But I can't say I love myself now. I still hate myself. But now I don't hate myself enough to kill myself. And thank you for taking the time to talk with me. I'm really glad that I have someone who cares about me. Well, you may not but I feel like I'm being cared. For the first time in a long time I feel like I can make it out alive. For the first time in a long time I feel like someone is always there for me. Idk what to say except thanking you. And I would love to have a beautiful friend like you. :)
I just opened the Novni after such a long while. I was so worried about you. Really glad you are still here.
And ohh.. you are strong. For not giving up on yourself. Whatever the reason maybe, you are still here and that's awesome. I want to be there for you more.
And yes, I do care about you man. You matter. Remember that. And if you wanna thank me, just be my friend. That's enough.
Hey, how are you?
It feels like I really have a friend who care about me. :)
Hey! I'm okay. I have my exams coming up in December, so have to study for that. How about you?
Yep. I'm glad you feel that way 😁
I have exams coming up on December too!! Tbh, I'm stressed about it. We also have about 5 model exams before that. Have to deal with that. Hope we do our best. Wishing you to do your best. :)
Oh man, me too. And my mom is so over my head for these exams, it's very stressful, like you said. Like, let me focus, I want to study better and be happy too?
The model exams aren't graded, are they?
Yeah, let's rock it and do our best. Also, don't forget to give yourself some breaks in between. And thank you, you are so sweet :')
No, the model exams aren't graded. But they are dividing the sections based our marks constantly and it's tiring and exhausting. I'm trying to do my best to keep up. But I don't care anymore. After all I've done still there are those who discourage me. I'm so done. I stopped caring long back. In the end it's me who's there for me.
I'll be sure to give myself some breaks. :)
I'm eating a slice of pizza now. Lol.
Hey, I'm here. I have had a few rough weeks due to family reasons but I have come to learn to ignore them for the sake of my sanity lol. I'm better now.
That sounds so pressurising. I believe you when you say you are trying your best. That's what matters anyway. And you are right. I wish we were friends in real life, because then it would be so nice to just have a person like you in my life.
Yay! You better lol.
Hahahaha, how dare you tease me like that. My love for pizza is impossible to explain.
How's it going? Been studying day and night and it's tiring. But I think I got used to it anyway. Recently I started feeling more confident in me. But then again sometimes I do feel low. But I have to keep up right?
Lately I've been feeling so lonely. You're right tho. It would have been good to have you as a real life friend. I think I need a friend who can always be there by my side. I feel jealous when I see others being friends. :(
Think we found something common in us. Our love for pizza ;)
Have a great day, mate!
Going up and down, but I'm trying to focus more on the ups and it's nice that way.
You deserve to feel confident about yourself, man. It's normal to feel low sometimes, but you pick yourself up every-time, don't you? I think that's one of the reasons why I find you awesome.
*hugs* I have a gut feeling that someone worth your time is gonna come along someday, who is going to be your best friend. Although waiting for them is not an option right now. It's time to work on yourself! And you are doing super great, so far.
Yayyy, how about a Pizza Day Out when we have no anonymity between us? But we would have to wait for me to become independent first lol.
You too! Rock it today
Sure! I can't wait for me to get independent. Like I don't want anyone to control me. I want to live my life on my own. But maybe then, once I'm independent, I'll feel the need to be here again. I would feel the need to go back in time like I do now. Sometimes, I wish I could just go back in time and start all over again. I wish I could relive all the beautiful moments I had. I wish I could go the time where things were easier, less bothering and free. I wish I never grew up at all. I think all the time how would it be if we had a chance to go back in time. I always think if I ever had a chance like that which moment would I choose to go back to. But then again all those thoughts are in vain since I know it's never gonna happen.
I have a stupid thought that all those imaginary worlds we see in movies and dramas are real. I still think magic is real and I still have a hope that one day I'll get to live in a place where magic does exist. A world filled with magic...Ahh!
Sorry. Idk why I'm venting here. I had a really bad day. Idk who to talk with. Maybe that's why I'm here talking shit. I feel like I need someone to hug me tight and say it's all gonna be alright. I want some to just hug me and be there for me and say nothing. I wish the world was less judgmental and more caring.
Anyway, thanks for being a human who cares for me and lightens me up. You're such an angel. :) Have beautiful day!
I know, right? I have always thought about the same. Maybe things would have been different..., but we don't get to wonder about that, like you said. Because it is what it is. I believe things are gonna get better, happier, if we stay strong and support our own selves when no one else does.
Dude that's not stupid, it's sooo cool! We are relating too much. A world filled with magic and wonder sounds like a fantasy, but the 'what if' always gets me. Even the 'ordinary' people would be holding some sort of power! But I mean, it's the same case in the real world. All of us are special. There's no magic of course, but still. There's something..., something I can't quite explain.
I didn't even realise you were venting. I always find it nice to read your text and reply to you. So don't apologise for expressing your thoughts..because I love being here for you. You have been doing the same for me anyways haha.
If you want to vent more, do it freely without any second thoughts. Please keep this a friendship which has no filters. A genuine friendship.
What happened that day? *HUGS VERY TIGHTLY* try to feel the warmth, you are doing great. I mean it.
Likewise. Thank you for making my day with those words. I feel so appreciated! And it has been a long time since I felt that way.
I feel like life's grown more harder. We never knew worries when we were young. It's just so frustrating to grow up but then again we felt like we needed to grow up when we were young. I feel like my responsibilities are piling up. I study all day, yet I feel like I've studied nothing. I get distracted easily. I procrastinate a lot. And that's what has brought me here. And I hate myself for procrastinating.
I have my exams from day after tomorrow. I feel so low rn. I feel like I haven't studied anything. Idk what I'm going to do. But then again I think about people who are in lower state than mine. But they seem to be enjoying their life. Maybe it's me who overthinking. I hope I'll do my best in my exams.
So, do you read any books? Like novels?
Yeah, our worries when we were younger, seem trivial now. But they were still important to us at that age.
Procrastination makes me want to give up all the time. It has become such a bad trait now. I don't even know what we should do about it!
Is it a coincidence that I have my exams starting from day after tomorrow as well? Are you giving your Boards?
Have you heard this song called Who Says yet? It's by Selena Gomez, and it's a very very genuine motivating song. Try listening to it whenever you feel down. Really makes us realise what our actual worth is.
You will do your best. I believe in you.
I do. I used to read a lot of novels, and I love reading them but lately I have only been into webtoons. How about you?
Yeah. I'm giving my boards tomorrow. English. Ugh! This is my first time giving boards due to covid thing. I'm not nervous. It doesn't even feel like boards. But there's this unknown feeling inside that's swallowing me up.
I love Selena.
"Who says you're not perfect
Who says you're not worth it
Who says you're the only one that's hurting"
I love this song.
I love most of her songs. She's such a queen.
What novels have you read btw? I've been into kdramas and kpop lately. I think I've read about 2 webtoons. They were great!
All the best for you boards. I hope we'll do our best! :)
Same, I have my English Boards tomorrow as well. We have to go to this school called Lotus Valley International. And I know right? It's very unsettling. Not nervous, but uncomfortable is all I'm feeling right now.
YAS "I'm no beauty queen, I'm just beautiful me!" The truth in these words, gosh.
Many, I mostly read fantasy genres like House of Night series. I was reading this novel called 'My Policeman' because a friend suggested it.
Oooh I was all about Korea some while ago. I have watched some Kdramas as well. What webtoons have you read!
You too, best of luck. Let's do our best :p
Thankfully we are writing our boards in our own school due to this covid thing.
Try reading the firebird series by claudia gray. It's really good. It's sci-fi. I love sci-fi genres.
I've read webtoons long back. I don't remember the names tho.
What all kdramas have you watched? I could say I'm a kddict. LMAO.
Can't believe I found someone of the same age who's going to write the same exam tomorrow in an anonymous site. Lol.
Good luck. :)
It should have been that way for us as well. Then they complain about the virus spreading -_-
Firebird series :O I'll definitely give it a read after my exams get over on 20th.
Gangnam Beauty, The Heirs, Legend of the Blue Sea, True Beauty, W: Two worlds, While you were sleeping, Hwarang, Sweet home, Squid Game and The Best Hit.
Exactly lol, it's too much of a coincidence. How are your boards going on?
I've watched all the kdramas you've mentioned excepts The Heirs and Legend of The Blue sea. W: Two worlds and While you were sleeping are the best kdramas ever. I binged them in a day. Like too much suspense to not watch. lol.
My boards? They're sucking. The only thing I did good was math. Chemistry was ok too. But physics and english sucked. I'm kinda confident that I might get good marks in biology tho.
Good luck on your remaining exams :)
They are both great ones. Lee Min Ho is the lead and I swear everyone comes to fall in love with his character :')
I agree. They are so creatively made, aren't they?
Damn, you have got PCB with Maths. I think you did fucking amazing. They are all subjects which require a lot of time investment so if you did good in more than half of them, I would say you deserve a fricking achievement for that.
So! Hey there
First off, wish you a very happy new year. I hope at least this year would be a good one.
I sucked in the boards tbh. But at least I scored above 40 for 45 in all subjects. I don't feel sufficient tho. Like everyone expected more from me and it hurts. I'm just another human with feelings and nobody seems to get that. It's depression. I don't want appreciation. At least they don't have to make me feel like a fucking loser. I tried my best. But this is what I get? I feel like dying. But then again it's my life? I wish I could just finish off my schooling fast.
So anyway, how have you been doing lately?
Which stream are you btw?
And what's your MBTI?
Have a great day ;)
Dude? you there?
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