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I've never been really close with my family. We don't talk about emotions. Now look at us - me and my brother. We don't talk about our problems. Not to each other and not to our parents. Our parents keep telling us to tell problems to lighten the burden but it doesn't feel like it's getting easier. We just get scolded and corrected. Always telling us to just man up and be stronger. Never how.
I lack self-esteem. I find it hard to talk to people. My boss keeps criticising my slow coordination with people. I hate that about myself. Why am I nervous? Why do I shutdown during arguments and confrontations? I hate it. I 'am' disciplined like my peers tell me - I can see that in myself - but that's about it. I'm just disciplined and hardworking. I'm also people pleasing and self-sacrificing. I hate it.
Everything I've been doing has been out of fear and dread and not out of love and passion. All this time, I have lived in fear - of failure, judgement, rejection and criticism - and not of dreams - of success, praise, acceptance and company. I hate it.
Now that I'm 22, the tyranny of strict parents is gone but the fear remains. I need help. I want to feel doing things for others out of love and joy. I envy my coworkers in that they are happy in our company and move around so easily whereas I always keep looking around for danger. How do I become like them. The happiness I miss it so much.
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Being happy Isn't about how others see the world. We all got problems and that's okay. Being happy is mostly about being yourself and showing of your personality, your side effects and more. I'm not saying you're gonna be happy in just two days, because happiness takes time, trust me. But start with a daily routine and you'll probably notice some change. It's gonna take time, but trust the process.
Have a nice day/evening. :-D
ReplyYou need to get in touch with your needs and start doing things for yourself. Whether you stay at the company or not- you need to get to know you. You might identify as codependent- www.coda.org might be a good starting place for you. Good luck.
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