What are you looking for?
2 months ago · · Dead Parent, · Explicit
When a parent dies, I was told that life becomes split in half. There was going to be the life you had before they died and the life after. I accepted this. I tried as best I could to move forward. It’s strange though. I honestly felt like I was reborn in a way. Not in some cliche symbol of renewal and blossoming growth. But the brutal disgusting pain and blood and reality of birth. My life got ripped open and I was forced into this new life that I didn’t ask for in a world that I didn’t recognize. I just wanted to crawl back into the womb of the past. But it is what it is, I had to grow through the struggles of relearning how to stand, how to walk, how to feel, all over again. I’m fine with this new life. I’m mature and aware of myself in ways most people can’t comprehend. I look at my past life with nostalgia and fondness and gladly welcome those memories. What I wasn’t expecting though was this third break in my life; the life that I could’ve had. The life of a normal girl who could party without crying. The one who could pursue science without panic attacks. The one who could walk outside without worrying about PTSD or flashbacks. The life of a girl who didn’t get sexually assaulted. The girl who didn’t have to give CPR to her dead father. I look at her and sometimes I get jealous; the girl I could’ve been. Maybe she’d be farther along in life. Maybe more confident. Maybe more college stories or friends. It’s hard to think about. I don’t really have regrets, but it’s hard not to ask that big what if... I was lucky to people who were there for me through that and they now hold a part of my soul. They know the impact they’ve had. I just like to dream about what could’ve been and hope that someday those lifelines will intertwine and become one whole picture of who I want to be.