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I just want to be heard.*TW su1cide, mental health issus,SH*
2 years ago · 2 · Need someone to talk to · Explicit
240
Why do I feel like this? I mean i spend the whole day with my friends and had an amazing time and now that i got home im fucking crying my eyes out and I feel so fucking overwhelmed.I wanna leave. Idk why but im not ok. In general. i cant afford theraapy so im just bothering my bsf and my sister with my mental health problems. I've thought about it. I;ve almost done it, those few seconds that everything was turning black were so relaxing. I felt like i didnt have to worry about anything anymore, coz everything was over, everything would be over in a bit. But im too of a pu$$y to actually do it. The only thing that kept me from doing it was 3 people. My bsf my sis and my aunt. They would blame themselves. I know they would care but i wouldnt. Its not that i feel like nobody likes me or that nobody cares for me its just that i feel like it wold be better if i just wasn't. No panicks, no overwhelming tears, no insomnia, no thoughts no doubts. Just intimate sleep. It wouldnt be bad for me, i dont care if im here or not, i swear im this close to finding a tall building and see if i can fly, if i can good if i cant even better. Unfortunately ive talked about how i feel. Not about THE thoughts but everything else. The dysphoria and the overwhelming feeling that im going to die soon,a dn mom told me that well see and then she forgot and then i brought it up again and she said that we cant afford it now. And I get it, i do. Everything is so fucked up but this has been going on for way too long for me to be able to just keep it up. My grades got meh and my mom is disappointed.
She does teel me that shes proud of me when i get good grades or study a lot but these arent the im prouds that i need. I need the:
''Im proud of you for not sh in so long''
''thank you for being patient about the therapist, im proud of you''
''Im proud of you for eating today''
''Im proud of you for going through the break up with your ex bsf all by urself''
''im proud of you for finding the courage to actually tell me whats going on''
''im so proud of you that youre doing the best you can every single day''
''im so proud of you for understanding that we physically cant help you rn''
''im proud of you no matter who you are and who you love''
''im just proud of you''
But instead she complains all the time, she claims that i dont trust her and i just say everything to my sister bc i dont respect her enough. I told her that even tho i was better for a while it got so much worse. and she agreed on seeing a therapist but we havent talked about it since.
My dad on the other hand blames her. And she cries and i teel them that its neither of their fault even tho it is and then they ask me about my friends and they tell me that i should be focusing on school and dad yells all the time for no fucking reason and in the past year ive seen my mom crying so many times and im finally close with my sis but no one wants that. Mom wants me to be her bsf and not my stster's and dad claims im just like her. They dont like her, shes 10 years older than me and she my favourite person. the thing about her is that after so many years of emotional and slightly physical abuse she is numb on this kind of things and now she halps me. Im developing a mechanism that doesnt let me get triggers by the fights and i love that. and heres the thing. I do love them, i dont know what i would do if they ever got hurt but i dont like them and i need them to understand the difference,and i want my mom to know that its not that i dont trust her its that i wctually finally have a friend in this houshold who listen to me and understands me and helps me with every step i take.
She will move out soon tho and ill be alone and no one will bw in the next room when i need them, mom and dad will be fighting and the only escape will be music in my room. Ill be shaking and crying and i wont be able to tell no one coz no one else is listening. I need sbd to tell me what is my problem
to tell me what is wrong
to help me fix it
i dont like it
i dont like me
why cant i just be happy
why cant i just get over it
Am i faking?
For who?
i want it to end
can someone pls fix me?
The night before our quarantine i was so overwhelmed i almost cried in public. I was in the car and my parents were fighting and i was injuring my thumb and then my sis got in the car and i was trying to turn the volume of the music up but they wouldnt let me so i just sat ther shaking ready to cry and sh but no one noticed. When i came how i wanted to talk to my sister but she wasnt ok herself with allergies and stuff so i didnt.
Help.
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omg this it too relatable.
the sh
the mom
whoa
you are seriously not alone
ReplyThank you bestie i rly needed that. I wrote this essay on my phone one night and then i decided to share it. Im so glad im not alone and that i made you feel like you arent <3
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