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I have to escape my own family
7 months ago · · Stress, · Explicit
I just turned 20 like 3 weeks ago. I can't deal with this I'm too young. I feel like im going insane. I want to be partying and getting drunk and attending college not fleeing and hiding and being scared all the time. I booked a flight for tomorrow because I have to get out of here. I don't even know where I'm going once the plane lands. I have no where to go. My boyfriend "mysteriously" died recently. I'm 99% sure that my dad had something to do with it. He never liked him. He always thought that he was a bad influence on me when really he just showed me the love I was missing out on. I love(d) him so much. He probably hired someone to kill him. My dad has a shit ton of money and could do that if he wanted. Now I don't know what to do with myself. I have a whole fucking baby to take care of and I don't even have anywhere safe to live. What am I going to now? I have no one and nothing. I have to leave but I don't know where I'm leaving to. I really don't know what to do. The only person that was on my side is dead now and I can't even believe that. No one knows about the baby and I can't let them find out because they'll want to kill her too. I have to get out of here. I had been with my boyfriend since 11th grade and my dad always hated him. I don't even know why. I guess he didn't want me to know what I was missing. One time (still when I was in 11th grade) we had an argument and he told me that my boyfriend ruined me and that I was a good girl before him. He said that I better break up with him and tell him to leave me alone or that he would do it for me and I'd never see him again. I didn't want to break up with him so I just told him we had to be secretive and we did. My dad only found out that I was still with him like 2 months ago (I don't even know how which is freaking me out so much) and he was so mad. He said I betrayed him and called me a slut and a disgrace to the family. I can't imagine what he'd think if he knew I had a kid with him. I just have to drop off the face of the earth I guess. This is so hard. My dad's reaction to my boyfriend's death was "now you can live normally without his influence". If he really killed my boyfriend just to "cleanse" me of him, he'd surely want the baby gone too. The baby is a piece of him..... I'm scared that if he found out he'd also want me dead to "cleanse" the family of my disgracefulness. That's a thing in his culture.. I say his and not mine because I don't want to be anything like him and I don't want anything to do with his bullshit culture. I need help. I have no one to talk to about this and even if I did, how could I trust them? How can I trust anyone? I just have to disappear. This is so scary. What do I do when the baby needs schooling? Or if I get a house somewhere? Or even if I do anything at all??? What do I do about public records? They'll be wondering where I am. They'll be looking for me. They'll find me. Or maybe they won't. Maybe they'll just be glad I'm away from them. I hope thats enough. I have to get out. Maybe I should just put my baby up for adoption and then jump off a bridge. I don't want to die but there's nothing worth living for except for her and I won't be able to protect her forever. She'd be in constant danger with me so I think that's the easy way out. I wouldn't be able to live with myself after losing her but at least she'd be safe and I'd be wherever my bf is. I can barely breathe without him. I miss him. He always knew what to do. He really loved me. He was so wonderful and caring. He always made me feel safe even if I never was... I wish I could've had a nice happy life with him. It would've been so happy.