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7 months ago · · pregnancy,
Mom I'm pregnant with your second grandkid and my first kid. I think it’s a girl. I wish you were here and able to meet them before you passed. I'm so scared to do this without you. But you raised me to be strong. I'm sorry I couldn't keep the family together like I promised but I tried. I gave it everything I had until it almost killed me. I miss you and I'm mad you're not here. You promised you'd be the crazy grandmother chasing the grandkids around and you're not here. And you were right about everything. The way I wear my makeup, to how I'm supposed to be dressed, or even how to adult. I do remember what told me family stories and events. But I'm mad we couldn't keep telling the story. I know we had rough time when I was younger and I’m sorry we fought a lot. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I carry that guilt now. I know Matt was your favorite and that's fine. I want to know why. Why did you put those diet pills in your prescription bottles and fooled us? I didn’t care what size you were as long as you were there. Did you know you had cancer? They still don’t know I ripped up the oncology card you had in your purse. Just to save them some pain and I carry that guilt. I had to do your makeup when you were in the casket because the mortician messed up. I hope I did it right by your standers. I’m sorry I never graduated college I just couldn’t do it after you passed away. I work at the hospital where you passed away. I have to stay there because it makes decent money but my soul aches everytime I see the room you passed away in. 273 three rooms down from the opening doors right across the nursing station. And I pass it 5 to 6 days a week. It’s been 5 years and I still cry like the day I found out you were gone. I still screamed and cry out for you to avail. The guy driving the car turned out to be abusive and ended up making me stronger once I had to make the leap. I try to keep up with your friends but everyone still cry’s out to you. Your mom has dementia and I don’t know what to do to help. I cried and had to go on a walk when I got the call. But you were right she’s still complains out of love. So please come visit me from where ever your soul is. I miss you and would do anything to hear your voice again even if it was just to hear you call me dumb ass.