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I dont even think I need an apology on how my mom treats me, I think I need an apology for her living , being in my life, or deciding to have another kid to treat it like this.
She's given me trauma. unfixable trauma;
I can't use the small bathroom stalls, it's too small, too tight, I'm panicking, I can't breathe, I'm scared.
Don't lock me without a way for ME to unlock it. I'm scared, I have no escape, It reminds me of what happened, I had no way to cry for help, I was stuck, I'm shaking, I'm crying, I'm screaming, I'm shaking, I'm gasping for air because I'm overthinking. I'm starting to hallucinate and think they're in the same room and that the same furniture is there.
don't show me old clothes. It is full of trauma, seeing it will remind me. Don't show me the two clothes pieces I wore that day. Don't put it somewhere I could see it, just please get rid of it. Don't keep it as memories when I was little, I don't like it. It sickens me.
Don't stand in front of the places I need to get up when I'm sitting. You have full control, If I stand up, you can push me back down, You can easily put all your weight on me and I can't do anything. My leg is shaking uncontrollably, I'm worried that if I say something you'll do something, I have to think for seconds fully of what I'm about to say before you hate me for it.
Get off, get off, dont pin me, get off. It's the same as before, It's so scary, I've got no escape, I'm looking at others that are around while I'm in this situation, and they're laughing because it was a funny matter in the beginning, a fun little wrestle, and no one stops it, Like before.
I hate hospitals: The lights are too dim, like a basement, I feel like I'm about to get tackled and taken away to be locked up somewhere. Someone's following me. I hear footsteps. Everyone's footsteps are so loud. Why is he breathing so loud? Why am I shaking? I'm stuck. I can't walk. Why can't I walk? What was I doing? What am I doing here? Who did I come for? Is it for me? Am I getting put in here? What if they check my whole body? What if I wake up in a mental hospital instead? What will happen to me?
I can't eat this. My body will change. I need to chew and spit it out. I need to eat it in front of them. You need to throw it up once your alone. Your sick. Stop eating oh my god.
I sometimes wish su1c!de was more of a choice to be reborn instead of it ending.
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