What are you looking for?
11 months ago · · Love,
When you strayed away from me, it was like I had been run over, a pain and ache in my heart that I was under the belief would never go away. I have never felt that pain.. Except when my brother had died years later. I felt a pain so deep in my soul, I thought I was already dead. You have never left my mind, not even for a second. The pain you made me feel was unimaginable, but through all the tears and alcohol I somehow learned to let you go, but never fully. Later, I discovered that you went back to the ex before me. The one that you said happy birthday to while I was sleeping. The one who actually made you feel “loved” when I did everything to show you that love, only to be unwanted. What I had done for you was overlooked and dismissed because people that meant nothing to our relationship got in your head, making up rumors about me. You believed them. You didn’t believe me.. I never would have hurt you for I loved you so immensely.
Through all your bad drinking habits and constantly being intoxicated, I still learned to love you for who you were. The painfully broken and beautiful you. Your soul is so pure and simple. You mask your pain and social awkwardness with flippant humor. You think you’re a good liar, you hide who you really are inside for fear of judgment and lack of acceptance. You love to make people laugh because you’re broken inside. I accepted you, I loved you.
After a baby with this woman, she began to realize all the things I had, except you were better for her. You loved her more than you ever loved me. It was a total of 5 months that we were actually together, however, knowing each other for much longer. When I met you, it was the wrong time in my life, as it was for you. You had just lost your mom in 2015. I was struggling through a toxic and bitter relationship while raising a child, and living with all the damage that had been caused from my childhood. I have not always had an easy life which caused my acceptance of abuse and the ignorance of how love was supposed to feel.
Then I met you.
I became infatuated. You changed my definition of how love was supposed to be. The way your icy blue eyes met mine and the way that being next to you was electrifying, somehow magnetic. The simplest of idiotic jokes that melted my heart into yours. But it was also the simplicity, the calm that you made me feel. It was like nothing I had ever felt before. I barely knew you, but in every laugh, moment, and eye-catching stare, I knew that there was an undeniable connection we shared. That connection we felt made me crave you more every time you were around.
I couldn’t handle the drinking, the lying, and the relationship seemed ultimately unsettled. You stopped looking at me the way you used to and your hand didn’t reach for my face to grab before you kissed me anymore. Holding your hand while driving in the car had a different tension now. A tension that used to be electrifying turned into a tension that felt like there were unresolved issues. I wish I knew what they were, but without your communication we never fully worked through some issues.
I tried to overlook it until that day.