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I felt my face muscles relax as the blue circle guided my breathing. How did it get to be like this? When did I become someone that needed someone else to tell me when to breathe?
My name means "free one." But I've never felt that way. The first major decision of my life, which instrument I would play, I was just wrong. The one my parents chose for me was better. I wonder if that changed me, being told that I couldn't play the instrument I really wanted to. I've never actually considered the possibility that that played a big part in who I am today. That I am just fundamentally ignorant about myself.
After that choice was made for me, I've always decided what to do in my life. Nobody guided me or forced me to do anything. And some people might see that as some kind of success. And I won't deny I am successful in some ways. In a lot of ways. But I question now if I've just made a series of wrong decisions. Because I have never felt this unhappy before.
I've never felt more alone than I have lately. People have been leaving. And that has nothing to do with me but that's always part of why that hurts. My friends are distant, which I've always claimed to want, but maybe the truth is I'm just incapable of a close and loving relationship of any kind. I make people laugh and brighten up people's days but I also keep them at arm's length. I feel like I have to. Anyone that gets close realizes I'm not as bright and shiny as I appeared to be and they lose interest. So they leave. They leave because of that. Or because I back away too far, they see someone else that looks similar to me but has a more defined personality and the mystery of who I could have been no longer entices them.
I so badly want to hope that there is something better coming. But I truly cannot fathom that possibility. I am alone, on an island that is slowly sinking. But then again I guess we all are if you really think about it.
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