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The Struggle with my Self Eating Snake
11 months ago · · Anxiety,
I struggle with my self eating snake. The one who indulges, who grows, who prospers, who is on an upward path of betterment. Until I'm not. Until I turn to myself and start eating away at the things I tried hard to gain. I struggle with my mental health. A constant battle of thinking too little of myself and feeling too down on myself. There are days where I am content with who I am and the path I'm currently going down. Just for the next day to put in a slump so deep that not even what used to make me happy can touch the bottom of that trench let alone lift me out of it. I struggle with my weight. With my body image. With my lack of self confidence and self assurance. It just feels like any time I go down a path of self-improvement, whether it be one step or one mile; I always reach the tail of my self eating snake. And I start to tear down what I built on that path, what I thought of who I was and who I wanted to become. A future me who isn't worried about how people perceive me or who my clothes fit. A future me who's comfortable going out with my friends without taking every glance I see from a stranger and perversing it about their disdain for me.
As a guy in his early 20s who comes from an emotionally distant family, therapy was one of the hardest decisions I had to make. To become aware of my feelings and of my past which planted seeds that festered into weeds; ruining my forest of consciousness. Afraid of what I may become if I didn't seek help to try to understand why I'm in this never ending cycle of creation and destruction where the latter is the dominant force. But I'm not giving up and I will never give up. My current situation may not bring me peace. But what if my path of the self eating snake ceases to exist and leads down a path that brings me to a state of being content with who I am. That thought alone keeps me steady when I'm falling back into my own state of destruction. I alone allow myself to feel the things I think I need to feel, or what I think I deserve to feel. I want to change how I feel. Instead of the thoughts of being alone and being unhappy; I want to see it as an opportunity. An opportunity to seek new things in my life and become someone who is content with themselves.
I seek the path where my future awaits, and if that path is the momentary state of the self-eating snake, I will be ready.