here

i don't wanna be me. i don't know who i am anymore. i cannot recognize myself. i look in the mirror and see a stranger. i'm lost. somewhere inside this body. and i'm so fucking tired of the fact i can't connect memories from different situations. the 'me' that was hanging out with my friend is an entirely different person than the 'me' that was at the mall with my mom. i can feel...myself, inside this body. it feels like my being has contracted, retreated from my limbs, it's just hanging in a cloud somewhere inside my torso. and i'm too scared to try to expand it because then i can feel too much. i hate how i feel right now. i despise it. i want to peel my skin off and escape. but if i come back, i have to acknowledge this is me and this is my life. all these struggles are mine. i have to face them. and i don't even know how to connect my memories. how is...the girl eating pho and watching tv with her friend...the girl doing homework on the floor with her friend...the girl talking to her dad at home...the girl sitting in the car with her mom in a good mood...the girl becoming overwhelmed in the car during a conversation and shutting down, leading to an argument and crying...the girl taking outfit pics in the restroom...the girl eating pretzel bites, feeling like shit...the girl smiling and thanking people after they compliment her outfit....the girl flapping her hands in the car out of happiness as she looks at her new bat beanie boo...all the same person? it doesn't make sense. i don't understand. but i don't want to be here. i want to run away. sit in the rain for 5 years. wash away everything bad. start fresh. i don't want to be here. i don't want to be me.