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random thought bursts to keep sane
1 month ago · · random, · Explicit
i've always projected myself to be the *confident* girl. All my life - I made it a point that people don't ever see me question my capabilities, my looks, my persona. But if I really try to be honest with myself. I have always been insecure. I limit the things that I do because I feel I won't be able to do them. Imposter syndrome sa lahat ng aspeto kumbaga. But, ever since my mom left. Ever since she passed - this feeling is louder, stronger, and more pestering than usual. I am turning 25 in about a month and I am struggling to fight with the thoughts that I made a lot of worng decisions and now I am stuck in a path that I do not want. That it is too late for me. I feel defeated. Alone. Hopeless. Stuck.
I know in my heart that if someone comes to me and tells me that they have the same thoughts as I do -- I would tell them that they're being silly. It's not too late for them. They're still young -- and that timelines are social constructs. We should be the ones determining where our life will go; regardless of age or experience. I KNOW THIS TO BE TRUE. but my head tells me otherwise. It debates with me and what I know should be rational. Its voice is louder than ever telling me I'm not good enough. I'm late. I have no experience. I took my sweet time. I'm a fucking fraud. I hate that I believe it. I hate that day-by-day, I see myself giving up, not giving a damn. being fucking complacent.
I want to talk to someone about this but I feel alone. I know I am surrounded by people who love me but I do not want them to feel burdened by my thoughts. They also have their own issues to go through. So I write. As incoherent as this may be. I guess there are just days you want to let out your thoughts however kalat or incomprehensible they are.