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[There is something wrong, but I can't fix it by myself anymore. What do I do?]
Think of insomnia: you can't sleep, no matter how tired you are, how late it is, how early you wake up, or how early you go to sleep. You just can't. And if you do, it's quite difficult for it to happen quickly and for it to last enough.
Now think of the exact same concept but the thing holding you back from sleep is yourself. You're purposely, willingly, voluntarily keeping yourself awake until your eyes can't stay open for longer than a few seconds. It's no longer just a sleep disorder, it is now also self-harming.
It doesn't matter how early or late I finish work, how little or much homework I have, how free or busy I am, βI cannot allow myself to go to sleep at an appropriate hour. I used to push for midnight before, then it was 2 am, and now it's 4 am. It's something that has progressed through the years.
My eyes will grow heavy and my body will turn limp, but I will shake myself awake, and become angry at myself for falling asleep even though I Know My Body Needs Sleep. And so I look for something to keep myself awake until it's too late to sleep a good amount of hours.
It's another kind of self-destruction, another way of punishing myself. What am I punishing myself for, you ask? For resting, for relaxing, for having time, for being comfortable with my workload or studies. It's as if... I don't deserve to sleep properly because if I'm able to sleep properly, then that means I'm not pushing myself to do the most.
It's been happening for several years now and every time I try to fix it, it only ever turns worse. I know something bad is happening but I can't fix it. I don't know how to fix this anymore. My family knows but they tell me to fix it myself, but I can't, not anymore at least.
So I just sit there every night between 2 am and 4:30 am, with less than 2 hours until my morning alarm goes off, and ask myself helplessly, "What do I do?"
I know I need help, and I want it. I want to break this torturous cycle and get better. If I were to look for clinical help, what would they tell me? Would they tell me to make a routine for myself? I'm afraid I've already tried that.
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Pa tts your he ad
Do you have any job?
Perhaps after finishing work you can exercise till you are tired
Your body will automatically be very tired and sleep will come to you naturally
This is what I usually do
Try checking if it helps
,π
ReplyThank you for the tip and for the pat! Sadly, my problem isn't that I can't feel tired or feel sleepy, my problem is that I force myself to stay awake even when I'm exhausted. But again, thank you.
ReplyWere you criticised when you were little that you were resting too much sleeping too much ?
Has anyone ever said that to you
It may have left a deep imprint in your mindπ₯Ί
ReplyHmmm well, when I was younger I would actually sleep a lot (but only on free days). If I didn't have to go anywhere on the next day, I would easily sleep 10 to 12 hours, and at on one occasion I even slept 14 hours. I would go to sleep at around 10pm at that age.
But as I grew older, workload got tougher and I would go to sleep later because of it. Over time, it created a cycle of staying up late, and now, even when I have nothing to do, I refuse to let myself go to sleep early.
ReplyAhhh dear a workaholic personality it seems
Off topic but have you eaten?
ReplyThat seems to be the case. Except that I hate working π It's very ironic, don't you think?
And yes, I have. It's past dinner time here already. What about you?
ReplyOh I am really sorry I was eating breakfast at that time afterwards I had gone to the hospital ππ¬π
ReplyOh is that so
It seems you have imprinted it very deeply in your mind
Also In case if you have fallen asleep
π Good Night
Sweet dreams
π
Reply