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"Sleep is for the weak" is a cycle I can't seem to break
11 months ago · · Need Advice,
[There is something wrong, but I can't fix it by myself anymore. What do I do?]
Think of insomnia: you can't sleep, no matter how tired you are, how late it is, how early you wake up, or how early you go to sleep. You just can't. And if you do, it's quite difficult for it to happen quickly and for it to last enough.
Now think of the exact same concept but the thing holding you back from sleep is yourself. You're purposely, willingly, voluntarily keeping yourself awake until your eyes can't stay open for longer than a few seconds. It's no longer just a sleep disorder, it is now also self-harming.
It doesn't matter how early or late I finish work, how little or much homework I have, how free or busy I am, —I cannot allow myself to go to sleep at an appropriate hour. I used to push for midnight before, then it was 2 am, and now it's 4 am. It's something that has progressed through the years.
My eyes will grow heavy and my body will turn limp, but I will shake myself awake, and become angry at myself for falling asleep even though I Know My Body Needs Sleep. And so I look for something to keep myself awake until it's too late to sleep a good amount of hours.
It's another kind of self-destruction, another way of punishing myself. What am I punishing myself for, you ask? For resting, for relaxing, for having time, for being comfortable with my workload or studies. It's as if... I don't deserve to sleep properly because if I'm able to sleep properly, then that means I'm not pushing myself to do the most.
It's been happening for several years now and every time I try to fix it, it only ever turns worse. I know something bad is happening but I can't fix it. I don't know how to fix this anymore. My family knows but they tell me to fix it myself, but I can't, not anymore at least.
So I just sit there every night between 2 am and 4:30 am, with less than 2 hours until my morning alarm goes off, and ask myself helplessly, "What do I do?"
I know I need help, and I want it. I want to break this torturous cycle and get better. If I were to look for clinical help, what would they tell me? Would they tell me to make a routine for myself? I'm afraid I've already tried that.