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1 month ago · · Story of My Life, · Explicit
I don't know anymore...I'm not sure of I can do it anymore. I'm very confused with myself and how I want my life to be. I...I...don't know if I can mingle again with other people as I used to be.
It's like I can't bear it when someone's too close to me physically, and I get chills when I have skin contact with other people even if it's only by accident. I'm sick in our house. I always feel suffocated. I always have to keep my guard up so that my immature older sister or anyone won't be able to affect me again. She's really a toxic immature individual. I lost respect for her a long time now.
She always tries to boast herself by trying to pull other people down. I'm really observant and I have good senses. It's helpful to me actually, but most of the times I can't really stand her anymore. I feel disgusted and chills spread throughout my body every time she tries to do something that isn't of importance.
For example, she'll look at the mirror every single damn time and our house is small... that's why we always see each other. When I'm near, I pretend that I don't see but she compares how we both look every time. When I sing, she'll also sing and make it look like some kind of contest. When I play some music, she'll also play music that can be heard throughout the whole house.
Whenever I'm near, she'll laugh like some crazy ass she is as if she wants me to hear her completely that she's happy because of who the fucking hell cares and whatnot. She's trying to make me jealous and always tries to put me down even when I'm not doing anything. She's really arrogant, childish, and immature. I know she's a girl herself, but she's just too fucking irritating already. She's too girlish for sake.
We're the total opposite of each other. She's loud and I like peace. She finds satisfaction in other people's opinion while I'm not that at all. She always ALWAYS ALWAYSS UGHHHH! irritate me and even disrespect my parents and say such disrespectful words to my parents.
I'm not saying that I have a good relationship with them or I'm good or a greater daughter of some kind. She's just too much most of the times. She always tries to make herself the center of attention that there are times that I just literally blow up.
I CAN'T HAVE MY PEACE AT ALLLLL. I don't have my own room 'cause there's not much and we're 6 all in all. The house is packed. The oldest has aboyfriend and have nightcalls with him. The youngest and the irritating one's together with one of our lovely pet dog.
When I'm home and I feel that we're constantly getting poor, I really feel bad about it but it's to the point that it makes me want to be responsible for every single thing. That I have to shoulder everything and make sure to do this and that. I want to help but I need to have my own space first. It's not really good for my mental health especially I'm just getting better from depression and anxiety attacks.
I just...I just really really really want my own space to be able to breathe and let it all out. Not too much noise, no too much people , no toxicity, and no overthinking of things. I just want to take care of my self in all aspects.
I really really want to do better. Be better and feel better...but, how am I supposed to do that when I feel so stressed out every single damn day? I can't breathe at all. I don't have any hobbies or whatnot. I'm still trying to find out the things that can somehow make me happy, but the traces of depression is still there. I feel so numb and empty. It's like I'm alive but not really. Like a zombie or someone who is just walking around with no purpose and emotions. Confused of everything...scared...numb...and much more feelings that were combined all together.
I just want to heal first or even get better a little bit. I'm really really really stressed out. Specially there are certain bad habits that I myself can't just get out of my system. It has been a part of me since I was a child and I didn't know that it was actually bad back then. I'm so so so so hurt. Of everything...I can't even have the courage enough to open social media anymore because it's like my energy is being sucked off , there are lots of people who I want to avoid at all cost, or either I just can't or rather have the chills when I imagine myself talking or mingling to people even to the few people close to me.
I'm too afraid to get close to anyone and hurt them in return accidentally. I'm not good at expressing myself and my opinions and a lot of people misunderstand me. I'm also trying too move on from my first love for years now already but we're classmates and I just left my old school for just a year now but he still do some things that cause me to misunderstand and I become a fool and stupid when it comes to him and things like that.
I feel so nauseous. about the many people who have hurt me and have left me deep and numerous scars... I... I can't even help myself too because I'm always hurting myself almost everyday from what I've said earlier about my bad and also disgusting habit. It help me ease the pain and feel different temporarily but after that the pain just get back to me thrice as much and make me feel so so so bad.
It hurts everyone...It hurts so much...I badly wanna' give up already but I still haven't repaid my parents just yet. I... I .. badly want to leave already...It hurts so so so so fucking bad...I feel nauseous... and scared out of my life...
I'm so so so so fucking tired...
I never asked to be born... I... I have never dreamed to be born and have no knowledge of everything before I stepped out of this freakin' damn world...so why can't just people stop fucking damn hurting me...I...I didn't want to feel such unbereable pain for years...I felt like dying in constant pain every single damn day.
I feel so suffocated. It's like I'm chained and I'm even choking myself to death every damn day....it hurts...it hurts...it hurts so much....
This pain is just making me crayz and numb and lifeless...it's so difficult to make myself alive every damn day and not point a knife in my heart. I just want the pain to stop. Please stop the pain....make the fucking pain damn stop alreadyy...everynight when I try to close my eyes to go to bed...I always ask myself, "Am I gonna' die already?"
I am always scared that I'd leave full of regrets however the wish to leave and rest in peace even if it may be hell is just...just probably be better. I never asked to be born.. I never asked to be here...why do ihave to always exert effort and such useless things when there's no life left in me already. Why do I always suffer and be miserable in the end...IT hurts SO SO SO FUCkINg mUCHHH thAT i feel like DYING>...
You know what? In the middle of the day...when I find myself staring into space...I always said to myself...that I'll be waiting for the day I'll die.
I have mixed feelings about it actually. I don't want to leave just yet because I still haven't accomplish anything great for myself and repay those who have helped and my parents who are suffering to make money...but at the same time...the pain is just too much. Should I end my life already? Why is even suicide forbidden in the bible? I know myself the reason why...because God is the one who controls and give life and we should abide by him specially the destiny he created when the time to leave is already planned out by him...but...even if I probably end up in hell...even if I don't want God the Father who is powerful...Almighty...to hate me and despise me...but the pain of me suffering for years is just too much....I feel like I was avermin to this earth...that I wasn't meant to be here in the first place. Am I always supposed to be a lesson for other people?Why do I have to feel this pain? It's always I stumbled from a pain and another challenge will begin and there's pain and pain and pain... and pain...
It's alwayspain and me end up suffering....WHYYYYY??WHYYY DO I HAVE TO BEHERE?WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE ME ALWAYS?I NEVER ASKKKEDDD! IEverrr never askedd...I just want this pain to end my Lord...I just want this pain to end...It'sokay if you punish me if you must...even if it's everytime or in hell or you erase my existence when the time comes...BUT THIS PAINNN!THIS KIND OF PAIN...I'm sorryy...I'm not saying that it was your fault or anything. I just think that I wasn't meant to be alive or here in the first place. Just end me... END MEEE....ERASE ME>>> Just not like this place....It's always like this... I don't want it anymore....please... I beg of you...erasemy existence already...I'm begging you LORD...i don't want this pain no more...end me and my pain already... please I humbly beg of you... stripped me of everything of myself...just let me go now please..