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Torn, bruised, and barely alive anymore, but I guess Celine Dion was right. Even after all of the breaks, tears, betrayals, torturing and abuses, the heart really does go on. It keeps wanting and hoping for a love that will not be revealed to have been false or a manipulative lie. But my mind is another story. I can barely talk to a woman anymore. Sometimes I shrink back from them like a tape victim or something. Which then sends me into a horrible zone of anxiety and shame. Occasionally a panic attack will ensue. Now I'm old and broken. I feel so hopeless about love now. Sometimes I just look up at the sky and wonder why God would make me like this, wanting love so much, if I was destined to never really find it. It just seems so cruel. I try not to be suicidal. I try so hard sometimes. But I'm so messed up now. Even socializing at all in a normal way has become difficult like there's some sort of barrier or curse between myself and other people. I think that my ex girlfriend (well a few of them actually) was (were) abusive. But I can't talk about that to anyone. It's too shameful to even begin to ever tell anyone about. But the scars match up pretty accurately. I sometimes wonder if healing will ever be possible. Inner healing, you know? Mental and emotional healing. The stuff that so called "Real Doctors" don't give the slightest iota of a fuck about. Or so it would seem from my experience locally. Maybe my perspective is just too jaded to see a better reality. Who knows? But no matter what I try, and dear God have I tried everything from healthier diets to pills to prayer and meditation, but no matter what I try, that healing never seems to come. And yet. Even battered, and ripped, and poison-dipped... Even pummeled, and burned, and taken down all the wrong turns... Still the heart does go on.
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Wow. Probably not the response you’re looking for, but your writing is so deep and beautiful. I admire you’re sense of self recognition and the abuse that you have gone through. I wish you had someone to truly talk to about all of the things that you have left unsaid. Maybe it’s the toxic masculinity wrapped around the idea of sharing your feelings, but I think you could really benefit from that. I’m sorry for everything that you have gone through and are currently feeling. I don’t have any kind of answers, but my truest advice would be to find yourself before anything else. Maybe talk to someone in the same boat? Even anonymously? Therapy? I don’t know, but one thing that I do is that you are a very well spoken man and you deserve healing and happiness.
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