What are you looking for?
9 months ago · · Thoughts
Do you ever just feel like you're stuck in a perpetual gray area? Maybe it's just all the flippant f×ckery that seems to be the very make up of every facet of this year & its all just getting to me. Whatever it is I'm just as internally divisive as I think I've ever been. On one hand I've never had more reasons to worry and be vigilant & grateful for each moment, yet on the other hand everyday I have to force myself to care at all because everything is just so absurd it hardly seems worth the trouble anymore. Why bother to small talk with a coworker when I really don't care, I really don't mean it, they very well may feel the same way, & they (like many others) could just quit tomorrow anyways? Likewise however is small talk even more important now? Because in the midst of all the unrelenting chaos that we so laughingly must call "daily life" in 2021 there is no guarantee that tomorrow will come for any one of us. My only unwaivering anchor through all of this is my love and commitment to my family, everything else; working, shopping, gaming, interacting, etc. Just feels like a shallow re-enactment of life before now & going through the motions because that's what made sense to do before, that felt normal before, yes normal was always an illusion but one that atleast upto this point worked. Now I feel more like a crisis actor, playing a role portraying my character prior to "that day" when life was "business as usual" but as my body goes through the motions I'm somewhere, behind my eyes just silently screaming "what is the $%&@ing point?!?!" & the largest slice of irony ceremoniously shoved down my throat at what seems like every opportunity is everywhere I look I see posts, signs, hear passing comments of people saying "Wake Up". Wake Up? Wake Up??? I am abundantly awake so much so that my waking hours are spent in a constant tightrope walk between walking away from everything that no longer makes sense & desperately clinging onto the ideal of how all of those very same things used to. I AM AWAKE now what?!?!