What are you looking for?
The Light in the Dark
2 days ago · · Light,
As you stay silent my paranoia becomes louder.. I often find myself wondering where you are. Looking at the moon, like we used to do together, I ponder your whereabouts. Is it another woman who stole you away, or was I simply never good enough? You cross my mind more than my synapses can handle. The overload leads my mind to malfunction and here I stand unable to function. My stomach begins to turn and there’s this pain that I would correlate to an emptiness where my heart used to be. My heart has gone cold, and become Black as the darkest depths of the ocean. Without you my heart has no light. It sees no hope, only darkness.
You gave my heart the warmth that it needed to pump. I felt alive. I felt inspired. Inspired to be great. You gave me the courage to pursue my wildest dreams, I had everlasting hope for us and our plan to stick together through it all. We said we would never change our minds…
But then, you changed yours. Without warning I was thrown into an abyss of loneliness. Darkness without my light to guide me. I have been attempting to crawl my way back towards the light without a trace of you in sight. I have to find a new source of light, a new illumination of light that I only hope to find within myself. As I search, I will not find you in the darkest depths of my soul, you do not exist where you once did. You only exist in the shallows of my mind. Perhaps you belong there, as you once did before.
Seeking my light within you was not how I was to find the brightest parts of myself. Finding the brightest parts of myself was only done within myself for I have spent what feels like an eternity seeking my light in other people when the light was within me all along. Finding the source seemed impossible, I didn’t know where the light would be coming from. Was it seeping through the cracks, barely shining through? Or was it shining as bright as the sun, I just couldn’t see it? Other people can see the light within other people, but as people, we struggle to find the light within ourselves.
Was the glow just beneath the shadows of my broken soul? Was it close enough to see but it wasn’t palpable just yet? With internal growth we will find our light. With every step I take towards healing from the loss of you, I am closer to finding the fire in my soul. I wish I knew my fire before I met you, or you would have been just another light to add to my internal illumination. Instead you became the only bright thing that I knew. I enveloped myself in everything that was you. That was my biggest mistake, as it only led to our love’s demise.
On second thought, what led to our demise was you.. you wouldn’t have illuminated my soul for you hadn’t found your light either. You were like a hollow carcass, skin and bones with nothing but darkness inside sucking the light out of everyone else trying to make your own. But there you were, still empty. I wasn’t the darkness that kept us from shining. As you said, I saved you. I was the light all along. The brightest light that you were the least inclined to shine with because you, yourself, had no light.