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3 months ago · · Friends,
When I was in highschool, with every year coming to an end, I realised I was drifting away from people.
At one point you could say that I was acquianted to many people. But at most, I was only ever close to two people.
Every time I had seen a group of friends walked by, I would feel myself envying them, wishing I had as many people. I know that some will say having a smaller circle may be better than having a big group of friends however, for me it can be quite sad and quiet sometimes. I look at people's stories and see them having fun, doing fun activities like going out for a picnic during lockdown, surprising each other on the night of their bday at their door with a cake in hand and so much more. And it feels like at the moment, i could not experience one of those things.
It honestly kind of sucks that i realise i'm stuck with the same people because sometimes i question, why can't i make any new friends. I started uni this year and going into uni, i really hoped that i would make at least one friend. A friend I could hangout with during uni, have lunch with them, study at the library with them. Maybe it was because lockdown stopped this from happening but so far, i have no luck.
I remember when during my high school years, my dad would always plan a bday bbq for me. Although, I don't think i ever grew to enjoy them. Honestly, it felt like it wasn't even planned for myself because majority of the people there, were my dads friends and my brothers. Thats because I didn't have many people i could actually invite. And every year, i would invite the same four people and sometimes, they would bring someone else along. It sucked. It really did because I knew that every time I had let my family know who or how many i was inviting, they would question if that was really all the friends i was inviting. As if they expected me to have more.
My last years of high school became really really bad. It was years that I couldn't really enjoy and instead, wished it would of ended sooner. I dreaded everyday. Because everyday, it felt like i got lonelier and it felt like i had nobody. I lost one of my friends due to a problem. And I also started drifitng away from another. I was left with one. What sucked was that if i couldn't find this only friend of mine when class was over, I really felt alone. To the point i became anxious being by myself. When i couldn't find them, i would end up going downstairs and pretend i was waiting for the toilets. There would even be times where I'd stand inside the toilets, waiting for the break to be over. I felt very pathetic. But i knew that if i stepped out, i wouldn't know where to go or who to go to. I didn't know what else to do.
i wish things would be different.