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Do i suffer from depression?
1 month ago · · maybe depression,
Hello, im a 17yo girl, im french and sry if some things dont make sense.
Since 2 years now i deal with that feeling of constant emptiness, it makes me bored of doing anything. The fact that i cant focus on something brings me suicidal thoughts, and so many others intrusive thoughts that i cant get rid of. Nothing makes me want to keep living. Nothing and no one makes me want to live. Im only here right now because of my fear of death, that fear to Wonder if you will die instantly if you jump off that one building, the fear of the pain that i will feel i fail or just the fear of feeling myself slowly dying.
Thats why i am still here. Life isnt for me, thats just it. I had childhood traumas too but i dont feel like they are the main reason i want to die. I just feel dead inside everyday, i tried so many things to make me happy or just bring me some joy, but nothing and no one makes me feel it anymore. I reject everyone at my school who want to go out with me or just be friend. I just stay in my corner because i just dont know what is the point of talking with them, i cant understand others feelings so i cant connect with them. And i dont want to anyway. Like i said, its useless for me bc it wont bring me joy. I started cutting myself in 2019 too, i dont really remember how i felt when i did it but whatever. I usually do it when i am angry, so instead of hurting someone i put it on myself. I also do it bc i hate myself, i do it when i feel like im starting to feel so empty inside that my dark thoughts come hack. Sometimes my thoughts are so loud that i cant cope by just writing them down, i need to talk to myself like i was my diary or my own therapist. I also talk to myself when i feel too lonely.
And yes i do have people that i can talk with, but i dont want to. I did it already with my friends and i feel like either they dont care or i just hurt them.
I dont pretend to be happy in front of them so they maybe feel like i dont like them or sum..im always looking down, tired, and thats how i feel. So idk why i should pretend to be happy. Its tiring me to pretend. So yeah, anyway im always thinking of the ways i could die, everyday, and im really getting tired of this. I wish i could stop fearing. I Also thought that i could use drugs to be Hugh before jumping off a building or just open my wrists. I dont think i will really feel anything if i do that.