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I hate life
2 months ago · · Autism,
I hate almost every aspect of my life. And I just don't know where to start.
I don't understand people and they don't understand me.
I don't have real friends, a haven't had a close friend in a while, something like 20 years, and now I look back to times before when I did have close friends, I'm beginning to wonder if I ever had a "bestie" or were they people that just let me latch on to them.
I'm terribly socially awkward. So I rely on social media. But ....wow.... if you express yourself honestly you get dogpiled on. If you support one thing a person says, it gets interpreted as supporting everything they say. For fk sakes, it doesn't make sense.
I gravitate to "left" circles, because I believe in social justice.....but dear lord if you don't agree with everything, if you don't jump on the cancel culture bandwagon, you get ostracized. I've been blocked by people just for saying that I think Dave Chappelle made some deep points that gave me something to think about. It doesn't mean I agree with all his sentiments. People blocking me just for agreeing with some of his points is exactly what I think he's talking about. This world is crazy. Where is the love? And now this makes me feel even more alienated. It's left a very sour taste in my mouth. I can't relate to people online and I can't relate to people in real life.
I recently got affirmation from a neuropsychiatrist at the NeuroScience division of a State referral hospital. that I'm autistic ("level 1", which apparently means "low support" - I don't feel like I only need low support. I don't feel "high functioning" at all). This "diagnosis" (is it official? I don't know. It's not like I get a letter or proof to had to people, peers or would be employers to say please be patient with me)...this "diagnosis" comes very late in life (at 53yrs) and I've realized my 26yo daughter is probably autistic too. I'm autistic and ADHD apparently, same with my daughter, but her ADHD traits are far more obvious than mine. I want to get a diagnosis for her, but what will it help - this "diagnosis" gives me nothing, I was told that the State in my country does not offer support, especially not for late diagnosed adults.... there's no agency that will help you find work (I've been struggling to work for going on 2 yrs, and my daughter is supporting me financially - do you know how AWFUL that makes me feel, knowing that she is struggling financially because of me.) and this "diagnosis" is not making people understand me better. The way people are being to me (those that I share this info with) are treating me like I'm making it up, or making excuses. Or want to insist that I must have something else wrong with me, like bipolar or borderline personality disorder (BPD). All my life I had self diagnosed as BPD (I'll explain why in a minute) but this neuropsychiatrist (is this not an expert) when I told her what I thought told me in no uncertain terms that I do not have BPD, she said I may have some borderline traits and that anxiety issues are common with autism. But still I've encountered people that still want to insist there's something else wrong with me - even a doctor, at the SAME hospital I got my diagnosis, that attended to me for a gynae issue, kept insisting I must have a personality disorder - because I'd had a meltdown after being sent on a wild goose chase from pillar to post, after I had been harassed by security (because my sense of direction is bad and I got lost and bewildered in a place (a hospital) that I don't like being in, in the first place. When I told her it was just a meltdown. (because before she saw me 2 student doctors - it is also a tertiary hospital - kept asking me questions that I had felt I had already answered, I covered my face and said I can't do this anymore, I wish I was dead), so now this gynae kept insisting I'm suicidal with a personality disorder, and kept insisting that she wants to refer me to the psychology dept. As much as I'm explaining but if you look in my file you'll see whatever the neuropsychiatrist wrote that I've already been referred from her to a psychologist, because that's the only support she can offer (she didn't want to give me medication for ADHD or anxiety because both could be potentially addicted and both my abusive parents were addicts, she did however say that once I find employment, if I feel I need ADHD medication to cope with responsibilities, I can contact her and she'll gladly prescribe it for me - and quite frankly I REALLY appreciated her caution) ..... but she referred me to psychology so I can talk with someone to try find ways to manage and cope with anxiety and meltdowns. But this damn gynae woman just wouldn't believe me. I feel SO invalidated. And she came across as so judgey. I had discussed my mild marijuana use for anxiety and sleeplessness .... and after talking about a LOT with a lot of questions, she said, quite frankly I think you have a good handle on your marijuana use and it will do way more for you than anxiety medication (and again she reiterated her fear that it could be addictive (my mother was addicted to tranquilizers and pain meds, anything she could get on prescription. Do you know how hard it is to get an addict clean when their drug is legal and prescribed? when I was younger I literally phoned the doctor and fought with him to prescribing my mom stuff and all he said is at least she's getting it from me and not the streets. WTF?? it literally ruined her life and mine) I wanted to kiss this woman for being so cautious about prescribing me medication. And here was this gynae hammering me over and over with questions that have nothing to do with my potentially extremely serious gynae issue ....and she asked me about substance use and of course I told her what I had told the psychiatrist (I'm honest to a fault)...but when I told her her manner was aggressive and judgemental. Anyway she finally examined me for what I was there for. And I really proud of myself for not having another meltdown with all this interrogation (but by then the disorientation from getting lost and getting misunderstood by security guards, so although the interrogation was so hurtful and annoying, it was easier to contain myself)
But seriously, what is the point of a diagnosis? nobody seems to believe me anyway.
I feel so useless. I've never accomplished much. I've moved from job to job never getting a career. I never studied further than high school. I was a single mom financially struggling since my daughter was born. My parents were negligent in many ways and abusive. I feel like I've just been struggling all my life with nothing letting up. I don't have a job or money or security or friends or a community that I feel a part of. Why are people so judgemental? I'm lonely and isolated.
And yes, sometimes I do say I wish I was dead, but I'm NOT suicidal. I hate that people don't understand the difference and I don't know how to articulate it. I'm just tired. Tired of trying and trying and never seeming to quite accomplish anything. It's like being on a rollercoaster and wishing you could just get off but knowing that trying to do so is by far the worst idea. But you still scream through the scary parts wishing it would stop right then, but knowing it will stop soon (the scary parts will stop soon). It's like watching a play that you wish you could walk out of but stick around in case it gets better and you don't want to miss the end.
When I'm overwhelmed (in a meltdown) I just want it to stop. I'm so desperate for it to stop that I wish it was as easy as flicking off a switch.
It's so frustrating to have one thing I said during a meltdown be so completely misunderstood, and to not be believed as I tried to explain myself.
I've gone on too long about this one little thing, when there's so many things I could be talking about in detail. I guess it affected me REALLY deeply and I can't understand why. I just know it made me feel...yuck...invalidated....misunderstood.
I don't want to go into detail about abuse. My parents were broken. They've both passed on and any better knowledge I have now is too late to try help them. I can only grieve that for whatever reason support wasn't available to them. I feel like support is not available to me either, but I believe that I have a better understanding than they had, so it makes me a little better off. For one thing I've managed to survive 53yrs without being an addict. Oh, I'm not innocent. In my youth I did recreationally abuse substances, but I always tried to be guarded about not using substances that have a reputation for addictiveness. And fortunately, I've never really had a penchant for alcohol (my dad was an alcoholic). Maybe I just got lucky. But I truly believe I've tried to be more self aware than what they had the ability to be. I dunno. I just try to always keep checks and balances if I feel like I might be going too far. I try to reach out if I'm worried something might be getting out of hand (eg anger issues etc) All my life I've made use of free facilities for counselling. Or I've just done a lot of reading and researching to try find answers (for my awkwardness, being a "misfit"). Hence I had concluded my own diagnosis of BPD. Until a year ago, when I accidently came across posts by autistic people sharing stuff that really resonated. I started messaging people asking 100s of questions. I joined online communities. and then started a VERY long process of trying to find someone that could confirm my suspicions. Of course, I had to go through free channels (free as in no cost). I was eventually referred to a psychologist who kindly did a couple of pro bono (is that only used with reference to lawyers?) sessions. And then she gave me a referral to the State hospital (that only sees people on medical referrals)....and that's how I ended at the Neuroscience dept.
The last paragraph probably doesn't come off right. I feel like I'm "better off" than my parents were, less destructive.
But I'm isolated. Going "outside" is scary.....it's awkward to handle, but sometimes it's worth it. But lately...... no job, no accomplishments ..... I want so badly to "get out there"....but now more than ever, I avoid it. I don't want to "meet up" with people when I don't have money to do anything. That's too much to add on top of social awkwardness. I just wish i could get a job.
And making friends just doesn't come easily. There's nuances of interaction that are so uncomfortable. Plus I have mild facial agnosia. It's so embarrassing not recognizing people, not knowing who I'm talking to, though they clearly seem to know me from somewhere. Plus I'm awful with names. So I have to pretend and play along in the hopes that something comes up that identifies the person to me. But sometimes.... I end up putting my foot in it.
Dear god, there is absolutely NO one on this planet that is going to read all this. (I got told by someone, when I tried to stick up for them, that I didn't do a good job, I was just longwinded - that hurt)
But one last thing. I'm a wannabe stand up comedian. as much as I am socially awkward, I love being on stage. I feed off the warmth of the crowd. Not so in front of a camera. It's so uncomfortable so I haven't posted stuff online.
I struggle with self promotion. "hyping up" feels like "lying". I can't quite explain it. putting myself out there and asking for gigs also makes me awkward.
But in my previous city, after quite a few years, I eventually managed to secure some paying gigs, nothing major. But it was validating to move up from "open mic" to actually being booked now and then for small slots.
But I moved cities as far as I could to escape an abusive ex who just kept harassing me.
At first it was great. I got a lot of open mic slots. I even managed to secure being booked for 4 nights in one of the city's best known comedy clubs. But then covid happened. And the first lockdown. And a series of lockdowns of varying levels after that. (that comedy club closed it's doors). Since then even well known comedians in our little country have struggled. But people have been hustling hard, and making things happen, especially as the economy has been opening up more and more.
But I'm NOT GOOD at hustling. It's been 2 years and I haven't been booked for even one low paying slot. And lately, I've been battling to even secure open mic slots. It's soul crushing.
A comedian suggested I start my own room (ie secure a venue to hold my own gigs) but he really doesn't grasp the social awkwardness that thwarts my communication and negotiation skills. I hosted one gig of my own in the previous city. But I failed to secure any budget from them and had to rely solely on door takings which were not enough to cover my costs and I ended up in debt. I really can't afford to make the same mistake at this point in time. With absolutely no income to start me off.
Yeah, I know. I'm whiney. It doesn't matter tho, because no one is going to read THIS much stuff.
I wish I could communicate in less words and find people that I can relate to and that can relate to me.