What are you looking for?
1 month ago · · Depression,
The still darkness of the night seemed blinding as I stared into the void of my mind. All at once I was aware of the racing beat of my heart and how my hands were coldly gripped to the wheel. You already chose to live Ellie.
Why are you here again?
Water crashing through the windshield flashed against the back of my eyes.
You already chose to breathe.
I gripped even harder at the wheel and my whole body felt stiff against the forcefulness of my own lungs pressing against my chest.
I don’t understand how I keep ending up here.
I don’t want to live but I know that I can never let myself die.
Both options seem pointless
The stiffness seeped deeper into my skin, and I could practically feel the blunt impact of my car against the waves. Awareness of how fast I was going hit me as sharply as I imagined the chill of the water in my lungs would have.
Then it passed.
The bridge faded into road and the lake below into rolling hills.
The racing thoughts, my racing heart and my racing car all came to a slow.
I was still breathing.
Just the chilling sound of my own breath and the hum of the engine as I drove back.
Back to my life.
Or maybe back to autopilot.
Only tomorrow will tell.