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Does anyone else feel this way?
1 month ago · · Depression,
I have always been this way but for the last year and a half I simply seem not to have the capacity to cope anymore. I realise I sound like a pretentious, precious, entitled princess. All my life all I’ve ever wanted was to dance but it just hasn’t happened. I know I have to get a normal job even if just part time, for three years I did a normal job. Every time I apply for a job, everyday I worked in my old job my whole being screams at me, I feel like my insides are clawing at themselves to get me to stop, I die inside, shrivel up. All I want to do is slit my wrists, jump off a cliff, life simply doesn’t feel worth living. I enter such a deep depression that walking is like pushing through quicksand, everything is heavy I can barely catch my breath. It’s like my body rejects life. I’ve tried, I’ve tried all sorts of jobs, courses, I’ve tried getting angry at myself, being nice to myself, setting short term, long term goals, talking sooooo much talking but nothing makes living a normal life bearable. Even trying to self train through the pandemic, I simply couldn’t, despite ballet being the only thing in my life I’ve ever managed to motivate myself to do without wanting to crawl into a hole and die. Surely all those people who do jobs they don’t love don’t feel like this everyday, if so how do they do it? I know I have to work, I don’t think I’m lazy or entitled but on paper it sure looks like it. The other day I applied for a few jobs and then I sat there with the scissors at my wrist in the dark unable to see because of the tears. I called my dearest friend, the one I’m in love with but who doesn’t love me in that way, the one who makes me keep going. She doesn’t understand what’s going on, she just gets on with the boring nitty gritty, she says even ballet has crappy bits but somehow I feel I could handle those because I would be dancing. I want to do it, I try to do it, I’ve been trying for my whole life but now I just have nothing left to give. I talk to my therapist, to my mum but even though whilst I talk I feel resolve to do better, I feel less like dying is what I’d be best at but once the talking is done the veil slips back and I’m there again in the same never ending loop. I still want to try for ballet but the longer I sit behind this wall of darkness the higher the mountain I have to climb and I can’t climb it if I can’t afford training and I can’t afford training unless I work but work is on the other side of that wall covered in shards of glass, that wall I’ve bloodied my head against for years, that unyielding, impossible barrier I make for myself. Does anyone know how to get through, over it, under it, anything? Please tell me this is not normal, this is not how everyone lives and that it’s not that I’m just not built for life, please tell me I can find a way because I don’t want to destroy my mum, my love, my dearest friends by dying but I have reached a point where that seems like the only option, where the pain I cause by being incarcerated in my own mind outweighs the pain I would cause by dying, by eternally sleeping. Such a relief would that sleep be, for me, for my loved ones, no more long talks, no more tears, no more.