What are you looking for?
Featured Topics
Select a topic to start reading.
If you are in crisis and need immediate help, please call 1-800-273-8255 (NSPL) or text HOME to 741741 (Crisis Text Line). More resources.
I have always been this way but for the last year and a half I simply seem not to have the capacity to cope anymore. I realise I sound like a pretentious, precious, entitled princess. All my life all I’ve ever wanted was to dance but it just hasn’t happened. I know I have to get a normal job even if just part time, for three years I did a normal job. Every time I apply for a job, everyday I worked in my old job my whole being screams at me, I feel like my insides are clawing at themselves to get me to stop, I die inside, shrivel up. All I want to do is slit my wrists, jump off a cliff, life simply doesn’t feel worth living. I enter such a deep depression that walking is like pushing through quicksand, everything is heavy I can barely catch my breath. It’s like my body rejects life. I’ve tried, I’ve tried all sorts of jobs, courses, I’ve tried getting angry at myself, being nice to myself, setting short term, long term goals, talking sooooo much talking but nothing makes living a normal life bearable. Even trying to self train through the pandemic, I simply couldn’t, despite ballet being the only thing in my life I’ve ever managed to motivate myself to do without wanting to crawl into a hole and die. Surely all those people who do jobs they don’t love don’t feel like this everyday, if so how do they do it? I know I have to work, I don’t think I’m lazy or entitled but on paper it sure looks like it. The other day I applied for a few jobs and then I sat there with the scissors at my wrist in the dark unable to see because of the tears. I called my dearest friend, the one I’m in love with but who doesn’t love me in that way, the one who makes me keep going. She doesn’t understand what’s going on, she just gets on with the boring nitty gritty, she says even ballet has crappy bits but somehow I feel I could handle those because I would be dancing. I want to do it, I try to do it, I’ve been trying for my whole life but now I just have nothing left to give. I talk to my therapist, to my mum but even though whilst I talk I feel resolve to do better, I feel less like dying is what I’d be best at but once the talking is done the veil slips back and I’m there again in the same never ending loop. I still want to try for ballet but the longer I sit behind this wall of darkness the higher the mountain I have to climb and I can’t climb it if I can’t afford training and I can’t afford training unless I work but work is on the other side of that wall covered in shards of glass, that wall I’ve bloodied my head against for years, that unyielding, impossible barrier I make for myself. Does anyone know how to get through, over it, under it, anything? Please tell me this is not normal, this is not how everyone lives and that it’s not that I’m just not built for life, please tell me I can find a way because I don’t want to destroy my mum, my love, my dearest friends by dying but I have reached a point where that seems like the only option, where the pain I cause by being incarcerated in my own mind outweighs the pain I would cause by dying, by eternally sleeping. Such a relief would that sleep be, for me, for my loved ones, no more long talks, no more tears, no more.
If you see a comment that is unsupportive or unfriendly, please report it using the flag button.
More Posts
-
i want to delete girls from my life
My incapability of getting girls and love in general (which made me really depressed) oriented me to focus more on my self and made me obliged to forget about t...
-
Can't find love
i am almost 20 years old , and never had a relationship ever , when i see my charismatic & deeped voice & long silky haired friend having multiple girls...
just do what u love to do dont lose urself for others happiness . rather than die why cant you fight for what you wanted to do for what you love is dance . just go for it . do it . dont ever compromise ur life for anyone because u cant act for the whole life . being yourself is more better than making yourself no more.