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I can still smell her perfume
1 month ago · · Need Advice, · Explicit
mention of suicide!
I never dated her, though we were extremely close. We're both queer, and we had been friends for years before becoming each other's romantic interests. I wanted her so incredibly bad. After i confessed my feelings, we began acting like a couple. We basically were, but of course I couldn't fucking commit to a relationship. I wish I had just gone for it.
I fucking messed it up, of course. I began getting annoyed with everything she did, and one day after being kind of a bitch to her for awhile, I told her. I told her she was annoying and that I hated her. I didn't.
It sucked. And after months, we were finally getting to be friends again, though I knew she would never love me like that again. And one night, I was talking her out of suicide (yeah, casual, I know) and she stopped responding.
YOU DON'T DO THAT. I thought she was dead. fucking dead. She didn't respond for a week, and we were out of school so I literally just waited helplessly until she did.
When she finally fucking did, but she proceeded to apologize and say she was at her cabin (which didn't have wifi).
Which of course would be a totally fine response, but she quite literally left me in the middle of talking her out of suicide.
Now, we are classmates, nothing more. We have many mutual friends, and we talk almost every day, but it's not like friends.
She never explained why she ghosted me, and whenever I text her in my late night spirals, she ignores me. It's as if she completely forgot all of our history, good and bad.
But I didn't, and I really fucking miss her.
Now, to tell the truth, I DO NOT want a relationship with her, and i don't think we were right for each other. But I would take that rush of someone FINALLY liking me back with her then not having it at all for sure.
And on top of everything, when we were "on the go" or whatever, I was going through a really bad time. I was self harming and I really hated everything. I was not stable enough for the relationship we almost had, and I regret everything in those months. I could have helped myself, but I didn't, and ended up hurting her.
Now we are both different and better, with different and better friends.