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Being forgiven by my wife and mother to our two beautiful little boys has been an internal - and once or twice voiced- focus of mine since I got past 3 months sobriety. It really super charged when I hit a year of sobriety. Coming up on 16 months I know I’m not mentally or emotionally worthy of forgiveness.
Inwardly focused nearly all the time except when in daddy mode, I don’t allow much space for us to just be. Ultimately I need to acknowledge that forgiveness isn’t something she can give to me, it’s something that I need to do for her. I need to forgive myself for her.
But how can I forgive the broken heart and broken promises. The fractured windows and the holes in the wall. The sleepless nights and the deleted bank account. The emotional and verbal hurt to our children and sweet little pup. The name calling and yelling. The vitriol and the blame at how ordinary my life is most of the time.
How can I forgive when I don’t take responsibility. Truth is I don’t want to be off the hook. I want to be well but I am afraid of what being well is. How can I function without the internal dialogue and second-guessing and constant over analyzing that has come to define my existence.
I don’t know. I just don’t know. thank you for letting me post. JD
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Hey, you are on a good path and Im proud of you for trying. There are things that can be fixed by words, some that can by fixed by time, and some that can never be fixed. But as long as your heart is in a good place and you keep moving forward, your future will be bright.
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