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My First Love
11 months ago · · Eating Disorder, · Explicit
I miss you. I know I shouldn't but I do. For some reason, I can't stop thinking about you. I miss the way you made me feel. When we were together I felt like a god. You were a disease to my body, but I loved it. A true addict. A slave to your name. How can I let go when all I want is for you to come back. To be with me again. Of course, there were hard times for us, but there was never a moment where I wasn't glad to have you. I miss you so much. You gave me power and confidence. You gave me sickness and death. I miss the way you made me feel. You were my first love. Someone I will never quite forget. You are always in my mind. Always part of my consciousness. Your words are engraved on my arm. I wish for your love again. The way your cold fingers touched my skin. Tracing my pronounced bones, my rib cage that you carved from fat. How I shivered at your words, making me bend to my knees. Following your orders like I have no other purpose. You are my purpose. You were my purpose. And I don’t know how to get you back. If you saw me, you would scold me. Yell at me, hit me, scream and taunt me until I understand. Until I'm under your control again. Under your power that I love so much. Hit me all you want, I will always obey. No matter what, I love you. I love how you hit me and the marks you inflict. I love the pain you caused. A true masochist for you. A sadist if you must. And I’ve tried to move on. Believe me, I tried. But I always keep running back to you. Like a lost child running towards his mommy. I can never really escape you, can I? You will always have me on a leash. Tied to your throne. Naked and cold. Humiliated and laughed at. You love it. You love watching me cry. And you love the pain you inflict. You thrive off it. Feeding off my tears and fucking me until you've had enough. But you never will. You will never have enough. We are both addicts. Addicted to each other. A relationship that shouldn't be. I love you.