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It's kind of ironic, really. All my life I've been miserable overthinking everything and being scared of committment and now I decided to end it and I am scared of THAT decision. It seems so final, but I know I have no options or time left. I can't kill myself in December because of birthdays and Christmas, so November is the month. I know it's the right thing to do. I am a burden for society and I can't really feel anything anymore except sadness and fear. I cry almost everyday and it has been this way for 11 years. I've always been lonely and felt like I didn't belong, even with 10 years old. There never was a future for me and I knew that as a kid, but I still kept going in the hopes that it would get better. Well, it obviously never did. As an adult, I realize now that I should have killed myself, like planned, at 17. But I was too much of a coward to do it. I have money from my parents to live but I don't deserve it; I'm like a robot and have been this way since I was a child. Somehow I can't feel happiness and I don't think there is anything I can do about it. I missed my chance to improve; it's too late to change the brain now. I'm sorry that I was such a failure.
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you always have room for improvement . the best is yet to come .
Replydefinitely. learn to like even the smallest of steps and you will ultimately climb out of the hole. it's not possible to move backward while moving forward, even if a little at a time.
ReplyFrom your words I understand that you’re 21. I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 10 (when your struggles started). I’m 23 and I can’t really tell you that it’s over, that I’m not depressed or that I don’t cry but it gets easier. Growing up we get those “breaks” from life. Small bits of happiness. That’s all that is keeping me alive. And I’m not a person who sees themselves as having no excuse for wanting to kill myself. I do have excuses. It’s the winter and we won’t be able to pay for heating. Just a few days ago I was able to gather some money to pay for my internet connection because it was cut off since I couldn’t pay it. I know the next months are gonna be SO SO hard. Even small things like taking a shower when it’s 5 degrees Celsius in the bathroom. I have reasons but I think about the breaks I’ve been given the years that I’ve been alive rather than dead. I think about my girlfriend. I think about how I’m considered a brother to a lot of people. I think about my parents. It keeps me going. Write down your moments of happiness on a piece of paper and always keep that piece of paper close to you. It’s gonna save your life.
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