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Everyday i feel like i get better since i smile more but as soon as i think it’s stopped it happens all over again but just gets worse each time It just happened today again i want it to stop I’m still young. My parents are gonna get a divorce i don’t know when but i know it’s gonna be at some point, it doesn’t affect me or anything because I’ve accepted that they are not happy together anymore but what does is seeing my dad sad my mom is ready she knows what she is gonna do but I’m worried for my dad since he had cancer and i don’t think someone would like to hire anyone with cancer and plus he doesn’t get payed enough for rent i also don’t want them to make me choose one of them since I’m picking my mom and i just feel bad for my dad because i don’t think he’ll have anyone yeah i will see him occasionally but he’d be sad. It’s really hard to see someone you love cry. My mom makes me feel like whatever i do is my fault and i always have to apologize when i don’t do something wrong and I’m the one who feels bad. I can’t even tell her how I feel too without her saying she feels it’s her fault. It most of the time has nothing to do with her. My sister also is dealing with an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship and i hate seeing her so sad about some guy since she deserves better. I feel horrible about my appearance when i shouldn’t. I’ve starved and tried to even make myself vomit but it never works. I binge eat a lot when I’m upset so i know why i gain weight fast but it’s still hard i can’t even stop it, it just happens. I hate how i look. I hate how i am, i hate everything about myself. I keep cutting, i just can’t help it but every time they get deeper. I hate feeling like this. I hate always having to apologize for feeling bad. I hate everything but i also don’t want to kill myself since i hope it gets better but each day i want to do it.
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You must try very hard to stop the cutting because it is addictive. Leave a longer amount of time between doing it each time until you stop. Wearing a rubber band around your wrist and flicking it is better than cutting. I'm sure you are naughty at times like all kids so there are times when you should apologize. Your sister will learn through her mistakes so don't worry about her. You and your parents will work out things so don't worry about your dad. See him as often as you can and talk to him every day on the phone. You will get used to the change.
You are going about losing weight the wrong way. Ask your mother to take you for help with your binge eating so that gets under control. Then eat three meals a day with a small healthy snack in between meals if you are hungry. You must eat only when you are hungry and only healthy food and drinks. A dietician will help you. Best of all is to stop this negative thinking before it becomes a habit. Look at all of the good in your life and concentrate on that. You are a child so enjoy yourself.
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