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i’m really tired of being here. over and over again since I was 11 years old I constantly have my heart broken, I keep waiting for when I’ll stop caring but my heart still breaks. it only breaks so much that I want to give up. I’m so close, closer than I have ever been, it’s almost certain that I’m going to do it. I’ve accepted who I am. everyday I see couples walking past holding hands or might have kids, it makes me so sad to think they have no idea how lucky they are to have something that may seem so simple and normal such as a family. I wish and want more than anything in life just to have a family. I want to be loved by someone so much that they want to spend the rest of their life with me. But it’s not in the cards for me. I’m unloveable and I’ve been told that by both my previous boyfriends. I don’t understand why Im so hard to love, it’s like Im already a ghost. I want to do it, I want to disappear and be nothing, like I never existed. I wish this worked out for me, I wish I could have been someone and had a life, I wish it didn’t have to end this way. But anything good in life just isn’t in the cards for me. I’m so tired of being here. I need to plan something for when it all goes down.
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These are just thoughts that you are having about your experience. While you believe they are more than that, they have the upper hand. All thoughts come and go, including the ones you just expressed. Some leave almost as fast as they arrive without even being noticed. Then there are those that get your attention, the added story, and an emotional reaction from you. These are the ones that linger and become your constant companion. This applies to both healthy and harmful thoughts. All thoughts require the energy you provide to stick around and return often.
You are not your thoughts. Their arrival does not make them your creations and automatically meaningful. You are not the mind that has these thoughts. You are the awareness that has this wonderful and powerful thinking instrument that needs to be understood and managed. To the extent that you don't, you will suffer which is also not a real thing. Suffering is an interpretation you offer to describe your thoughts, perceptions, and sensations.
You are the 'gatekeeper' who decides which thoughts are worthy of further consideration and initiating your actions.
You are on a journey to learn needed lessons about relationships and to extend love to all that lives. No one else is exactly where you are and is proceeding at your pace. Everyone else is on their own journey including the couples you envy. You will travel for a while with others who seem to be going in your direction at a similar pace while the benefits of doing so are mutual. If and when that changes and becomes a burden, you should move on without them.
There is so much to learn. I'm still learning. I can say more if you think this might be helpful.
ReplySometimes, I also feel the same that am I so unlovable. If I were you, I would have waited for sometime but if nothing is working out then I would go to a place, maybe a foreign country, find a job and would live a happy life their. As you said I would disappear from here and go to another country.
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