To forget

Obliviscor

.

My words reach out

In search of something to say.

Heart straining against the need

To tell you of

The love I harbour.

.

A beautiful diamond in the centre

A love so raw

For the family

Disassociated.

.

My entire soul shackled,

Persistently unable to speak the words

I truly feel.

Not an utterance of the adoration

Barely a fleeting whisper

Reaches your ears.

.

A cacophony of sounds

Screeching and pounding

Building and rising within me

But nothing escapes.

.

At the dusk of childhood

Certain emotions unknowingly locked

Key thrown away,

Sitting in the bottom of the sea

Rusting under the waves.

.

That sea rages in me

So rough I cannot reach the bottom.

.

The key opens the chest

In that chest is a heart

Holding glistening joy

Free speech, saved words

Rampaging around a crystal heart.

.

Swirling bright and awe-ful

Under intense longing for

A thousand trapped words.

Thoughts never released.

.

Iron unreachable

Preventing me from ever

Acknowledging sheer adulation

For my never forgotten family.

You may doubt the love I feel

-But with every confined syllable

Stuck before the shore

I screech out

Hoping one day you’ll hear more

Than the few sounds that escape—

-witness my ice heart turn to shine.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Opened a can of worms with this one. I don’t know how I can get across. I have two families. One is comfort and ease. One is pain and unspoken words. Blood and distance splitting the two tho mine is shared with both. This is about family- blood of mine own. Everything was fine, a dream of childhood until I turned into a teenager. I can’t remember an exact time but I know one day (it seems) I was fine- happy. A child able to share her love and her speech for both families, a child unfettered by rules of society or shattered into awkwardness by a world unkind. At the dawning of teen-hood (so to say) I became another person. This child who once spoke how she felt without surprise began to struggle with every word to her family. But only one. The family who were full time, she had no problems with. Her father and step mother whom she loved with half her soul- she stopped speaking. She became unable. Though the words screamed on inside of her, barely a few were uttered. Until a fateful day, which will forever be burned into her- sorry, enough of third person- MY retinas: my stepmum crying asking what they had done wrong to warrant me to be pulling back. What happened that had made me this scared, awkward human so different from their child. My crying, deplorable answer- I don’t know. A switch flicked one day and I became unable to share myself with half of my own blood. With my dad and my step mum I became reserved. Even at the birth of my two glorious (half)brothers, whom I had wished for my whole life, I still couldn’t speak. The words that came out of me felt empty, devoid of the intense love and emotion that I felt inside. Disconnected were my words- just like my mind felt. Disconnected from this family I’d loved and will continue to love my whole life.

I don’t know when or if it will ever get easier. After two years (covid) I’m going to visit them this weekend. They have a new house. Even more than ever I will feel like a stranger stepping into a fully formed house. A stranger screaming out but unable to shout- I hope with every fibre of my being that I’ve changed. I hope that this time will be different but I’m TERRIFIED. Terrified that I will get there- that I will see them and my words will remain locked inside. It’s more infuriating and heart wrenching than words could ever describe. The love I have for them is full and infinite but for some reason I can never say it. I can hardly even speak. In their presence I am mute, a droid filling space with useless words where there should be meaning.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. It is a pain that I push aside because it’s too heavy to feel every day, too much to carry with me at the forefront of my mind. Maybe that’s the problem but it’s too late to change that now. I am what I am. I compartmentalise. But what I am right now is utterly, completely and resolutely petrified.

Scared of awkward silences that should be filled with wonder. Joyous greetings that will be dampened by my grey cloud. I’m petrified that one day the small love I am able to put out will not be enough for their perfect family. These strangers I hope to cling to, with all the love inside. Will have enough of the measly scraps I give out and move on, without me.

It’s what I deserve. What kind of daughter can’t even tell her flesh and blood she loves them.

Fear. Fear. Fear and despair plagues me. So I push it away.

Obliviscor;

1. I lose remembrance of, forget

2. I forget, disregard, omit, neglect (+gen. of person or gen/acc. of person or thing).

- damn this was tough to write. Spilling my emotions out onto the page. So vulnerable. I hate this.