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I'm so sorry you never felt loved. Worthy of love. I'm sorry you had to drive yourself to the doctor when you were so afraid, all you wanted was someone to hold your hand and say they'd be with you no matter the results. I'm sorry your parents treated you like their teddy bear and not a person. I'm sorry they don't have the ability to make you feel better. I'm sorry your brother isn't protective, I'm sorry he never gives you advice that makes you feel better. I'm sorry you're all alone. I'm sorry that everybody leaves you. I'm sorry you feel like you have to be perfect to keep anyone around, I'm sorry they get bored of "perfect," I'm sorry you have nobody that will save you if you so dared to become a mess. I'm sorry that everyone is so busy. I'm sorry that everyone thinks you have it all when you cry every night. I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you're paralyzed by the idea of hope in a new friendship. Of hope in a new relationship. I'm sorry I haven't let you feel happiness in so long. God, I've been trying. I want you to be happy so fucking bad, but I don't know how to get there anymore. I'm sorry if I end up giving up on you. I wish I could keep trying but the idea of going into just the next full week makes me feel nothing. I have no joy in this life anymore. I'm so sorry, you had so many dreams; you wanted to change the world, you wanted to be intellectually confident, you wanted to finally feel beautiful and seen, you wanted to be loved in a way I can't seem to provide for you. i know everyone loses their footing every now and then. but i feel like i'm holding on to the edge of a cliff by shaky fingers, and nobody's on the other side.
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Reading your emotions drawn up using words brought tears to my eyes.. I wish you would hold on.. You love yourself so much, I wish you wouldn't give up on you..
ReplyI scrolled two pages to find your post again. I wanted to reply…
I can really relate to this dissociation you do, to protect yourself from everyone. I’ve done it all my life, because i felt alone too. And i trusted people only on a superficial basis.
It’s good that u do that. It’s having someone you can love and protect, and having someone to love and protect you at the same time. It will help you pull through anything. It worked for me. I’ve grown trough and with it.
Just a piece of advice: be careful not to put all this trust just in yourself, and get to a point you can’t really let yourself be free with anyone else. You might just put yourself in a situation where u’ll be with someone that loves you, and you’ll live back. But never completely. Because your heart, held by a thousand threads of barbed wire, is welded inside that part of u that u continuously protect. You will find it hard to commit. Really commit. This schism does that. It gives, but it takes. I know it well.
ReplyAnd i’ll add a song that always helps me realize others feel that too:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=eCxpj_UYv3A
ReplyGod, you literally stated everything that I'm going through right now. This made me cry.
Reply