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My sister is going to get married. It is a arranged marriage. But before marriage her In laws want a virginity test.
This thing used to be very common in our country. But now a days people generally don't do this. But they want to.
And the problem is my sister is not virgin. She had a boyfriend and had regular sex when she was staying in USA.
My parents didn't let her finish her studies and brought her back to get her married as she is already 21 year old. They t forcing her to get married. And the groom is also 33 years old.
In our village , the virginity test is done in public. Like 7-8 woman takes the girl in a room and do this stuffs. But if that girl is proven to be not virgin then not only the marriage get cancelled, the girl is also publicly shamed. Their families cut ties with them and they become a public object who can be touched by anyone.
So now when you know how disgusting this whole thing is can anyone please tell me how to make sure that no one finds out that she is not pure.
Please help me. I really don't know how I can help her.
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But, how is this shit done? I mean, many women even don't have a hymen since birth. How do they know if she is pure or not? This is disgusting!
ReplyAnd that is why this test goes wrong many times. But who will educate this stubborn illiterate villagers
ReplyDon't speak about women in such terms, whether they are "pure" or not. You're fuelling this culture of abuse against women. Women are human beings and their status regarding their sex life is no-one's business but their own.
ReplyYou think I support this. I am fucking asking for help. Because we can't run away or get any legal help here
ReplyWell, 'pure' is their definition and can never be my definition. Being a woman myself, and being a regular victim of this society which measures the status of a woman by her 'virginity', I can't express how much I detest this. I used the term pure sarcastically.
Replyyou're an ignorant person.
ReplyShe could have masturbated and have no hymen after. This test is abuse. Women need to refuse to take part in abusive practises.
ReplyBut we are not given any choice. How can a 21 year old girl go against whole society even her parents
ReplyI would sound harsh, but I doubt the 'sanity' and 'maturity' of the groom's family and the groom himself, who willingly let's this happen.
I mean, if they reduce the worth of a woman to an object, how can he respect her after marriage?
Are you sure that he would respect her when he is desiring a 'virgin' wife to ravish?
Let them reject her, in my opinion. No need to force her in a marriage that solely focuses upon 'purity' and 'virginity'. If I were at her place, I would have the peace of mind only after humiliating them and be happy for being 'rejected' by such insensible people. I may sound cruel, but my self-respect is above everything!
ReplyGuys I know what you are trying to say. I agree with you. But in our village marriage is not decided by girls . We have no right to choose or refuse.
You guys are not helping at all. Stop blaming me. I didn't make this shit customs.
ReplyBut I can't really think of any other option!
Also, I am not really blaming you because none of you are to be blamed.
This is a matter of someone's life, just give it a thought. Just because of one decision, an entire life would be at stake. This really hit me so hard that I am burning my precious time and energy only to help you, which I generally don't do.
ReplyI can't sleep at night. My sister is like a dying person. I tried to talk to my parents. But it looks like if I tell them the truth the will kill my sister to protect their family honour.
ReplyHello there!
Can you reach me personally?
I have a great councellor to recommended you. I will be sharing my email id here then.
ReplyI don't think I can. But can you tell me if any international organizations I can contact to get any help.
ReplyI am planning to run away to USA. But can anyone there help us?
ReplyJust had a question. Are you an Indian?
ReplyNo, Africa
ReplyNo, it's not any international organisation. Because, they hardly co-operate. I know of an excellent person who is like my elder brother and I consult him for everything in life. I can share his insta id, you just need to drop a message there. But the problem is that he is too busy, and it could take a few days or months for him to reply. But I can't think of anyone except him because he is my lifeline.
Please do reconsider your decisions. It's one of the most shocking incidents I have read about in a public platform.
ReplyOnly thing I don't have is Time. But you know what when I show this replies to my sis , she gained some confidence.
So we are planning to run away tonight. I don't know what is waiting for us. But we should not accept this.
Just wish me luck. I hope even we can't leave this country now at least we can leave this village tonight.
ReplyIf you are planning to run away in Africa (do not know if you mean South-Africa? most info I found was on that region) to avoid forced marriage maybe these sources can help you in any way:
1. Families South Africa (Famsa)
Famsa provides counselling and education to help improve marriages and families. It helps in cases of domestic violence and trauma, divorces and mediation. There are 27 offices across the country.
Website: http://www.famsaorg.mzansiitsolutions.co.za/(link is external)
Tel: 011 975 7106/7
2. People Opposed to Woman Abuse (Powa)
Powa provides counselling, both over the phone and in person, temporary shelter for and legal help to women who have experienced violence (any form, forced marriage can fall under this).
Website: http://www.powa.co.za(link is external)
Tel: 011 642 4345
E-mail: info@powa.co.za
Maybe try your luck with the child helpline? Though she is 21, they might still have advice?
3. Childline South Africa
This non-profit organisation helps children and their families with a free counselling service. It deals with issues such as physical and sexual abuse, substance abuse, behavioural problems and trafficking, and gives legal advice.
Website: https://www.childlinesa.org.za/
Toll-free helpline: 0800 055 555 or the new number 116
E-mail: olcadmin@childlinesa.org.za
OR you can try:
4. Child Welfare South Africa
Child Welfare South Africa focuses on child protection, child care and family development. Neglect and child abuse can also be reported.
Website: http://childwelfaresa.org.za/(link is external)
Tel: 074 080 8315
E-mail: info@childwelfaresa.co.za
As you mentioned your sister has been in the US before so maybe contact this initiative? Not sure if she has an US passport? But I would say try it anyway, especially as she studied there!
5. Forced Marriage Initiative at Tahirih Justice Center.
When facing or fleeing a forced marriage or knowing someone who is.
https://preventforcedmarriage.org/newsite/get-help/
Email: FMI@tahirih.org
Phone: 571-282-6161 (9 a.m.-5:30 p.m. EST, M-F)
6. The helpline of the UK for honour-based abuse (so also forced marriage)
Though it is a UK helpline they do try to help everyone everywhere as much as they can
https://karmanirvana.org.uk/get-help/helpline/
Free / 0800 5999 247 / Mon-Fri 9am-5pm
7. Another UK Helpline for running away, they could hopefully give you advice
https://www.runawayhelpline.org.uk/
Runaway Helpline | 116 000
I sincerely hope any of these tips will help you both, please stay safe
ReplySorry, some links went wrong, here are the correct links:
1. FAMSA
https://famsa.org.za/
Email: National@famsa.org.za
2. POWA
https://www.powa.co.za/POWA/
4. Child welfare
http://childwelfaresa.org.za/
ReplyThis is awful. I really hope you guys can get her to safety. You can try contacting international groups to help you out. I’m not sure if any specifics but try searching it up and seeing if you can find legitimate people who can help.
I recommend trying to go back to the place she was studying. Maybe she can contact someone there who can help you out and make you all get safely back to that location. Please be safe!!
If you actually ran away, I hope everything goes well! Good luck!!
Reply