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My journal: Week 3 of her being gone
3 weeks ago · · Breakup · Explicit
I had some spare time, honestly, I was just procrastinating doing my report. I can’t focus on that. Haven’t since she left. Anyway, I had some time. I decided to go to a homeware shop, a couple of memories there but nothing too bad. Need to fill in some of the empty space left in the flat!
I didn’t find much so, I checked and luckily, another shop was open! A lucky break! This was Sunday on a quite archaic island which doesn’t usually have things open on a Sunday…
I could feel that my thoughts were jumbled. I couldn’t find what I needed to think about. My report was on my mind… she left me… quick, think about the motorbike I want to get! The café racer looks really cool but is that going to be too uncomfortable to ride? I’m sure I’d get used to it… I’m all alone again… please don’t do this to me... The tattoo I want to get looks like really cool! Such vibrant red!... not here, I don’t want to think about her here… Oh! I’ve arrived at the other shop, let’s take a look.
I haven’t been here since her but it wasn’t that crazy, not like a romantic memory of us or anything… just us building a life together…
I found the lamp she bought. It was nice, just a wooden base with a misted glass cylinder on top. The one she would put on whenever she wanted to read before bed. Oh god. I can’t do this… I have to get out of here… please don’t cry in the shop. I don’t want people to see me cry.
I’m out. I just need to walk home. Better to take the back streets. Less crowded.
It starts raining. I don’t care. The rain is a nice mask. A bit cold but that doesn’t bother me.
I’ve just got to go home and then I realise why I feel so anxious at home, why it just doesn’t feel right. Obviously, she took her things back with her and I notice them missing. But she took more than that. Not maliciously, of course, but it’s gone none-the-less. She took my home.
She was my home; I can’t go back to my home. I’ve got no home. Nowhere I belong.
The light of my life and I’ve now been plunged into darkness and all I can think about is grabbing in the dark but I CAN’T. FUCKING. FIND. ANYTHING. I’ve got no anchor. And it’s all my fault. Your fault. You loser. You FUCKING LOSER. IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU DID THIS!!!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!
Someone is coming. All emotions vanish from my face. I can’t hide the red of my eyes but they won’t see.
They pass. It’s just me again. Let’s head back to the flat. I’ll find some stuff online instead.