What are you looking for?
2 months ago · · Stress, · Explicit
I'm honestly just so tired of everything. The pressure, the expectations, the fear of vulnerability and more. What I hate the most is the person who's pressuring me the most is....me. I fucking hate this self-destructive thoughts of mine, thinking I have to be this, I have to be that. I have to make them this and that. I've had so many personalities to please other people that I have no fucking clue who am I anymore. Who is the real me? What are the things that I truly enjoy? I find it sooooooo fcking hard to even open up to my closest friends, but honestly, its useless anyways. I tried opening up to some of them and they always reply with "yeah same" or some shit. Told them many times that I wanna fcking die so bad, they just reply "same" then talk about THEIR problems, and how they have it worse than me and the conversation just turns into a competition. What I wanted was comfort, instead I got competition. I just reached the point that I don't even open up to them anymore cuz it's pretty much useless. The others pretty much just say "wow thats crazy" and don't even bother comforting me or giving me advice at all.
Addition to my problems, my parents telling me how useless I am in the house and shit. My father blaming me for my mother's sickness cuz I apparently don't help with the house chores (I actually do, they just don't see it cuz they're always not in the house anyways). It is blatantly obvious they just want me to suddenly start giving them money. What can I do? I'm still a student! I grew up not having a guide in the real world, I had to figure out most of this shits on my own or through the internet. School's shit, tf am I supposed to do with learning unnecessary information that I cant even apply in the real world? I tried telling my parents I wanna stop studying and just find a job to be able to help with the family during the pandemic. But NO, their pride won't let them, cuz it will ruin the family name, having a child that dropped out of school. I was forced to continue studying with a COURSE THAT I DONT EVEN LIKE. And now school is just so draining every single day. I'm also a new student in the school so I don't know ANYONE at all. Fantastic. I'm just so tired. Drained. Exhausted. IDK ANYMORE.
School's pretty fucking rough too. Activities here and there, they just keep coming. With this online class setting, it's so easy for the teachers to just give out shits to do and don't even bother thinking about the students. I'm not even learning jack shit! They pretty much just give us shits to do then I have to study EVERYTHING ON MY OWN!!!! My friends dropped out of school and they're just chillin' and playing games these days. So I'm on my own with this built up stress cuz of school. I don't even have time for my hobbies, I just end up sleeping if ever I have a small break cuz I'm just tired.
I stopped cutting myself years ago and I was so happy to know I was finally healing. The scars have disappeared and I tried to love myself more. But now, I'm struggling again. I want to cut myself again. I have no one to talk to about my feelings so I'm just letting it all out here. I keep fantasizing about jumping off a building, stabbing myself in the chest, or hanging myself. I hate these thoughts. Whenever I doze off even just for a second, I start imagining ways to kill myself. Why am I like this? I hate this. I hate myself. I just wanna disappear.
I thought I finally managed to get over my suicidal thoughts. That was already years ago. I thought I was healed.
Guess everything was just in my head.
I was never alright.
Haha, I had to fucking wipe my tears fast while typing this cuz I don't want anyone to see how pathetic I am.