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It's very hard to feel like a failure some times, even when you're not. I seem to have, despite my internal monologue, ended up living in a City I want to get away from, working in a super-competitive field that I'm not even interested in, feeling that I am not as employable as my friends tell me. I am struggling to just keep swimming, just keep applying, just keep going, and even though it's not difficult for me to apply for jobs or get interviews, I keep having thoughts of self harm.
The truth is I'm very lonely. This is one of the most metropolitan cities in the world, and I've been here my whole life. It's so hard to form real intimate connections here. The only person I see regularly is my ex, whom I have an odd but supportive friendship with.
I know my life isn't 'bad'. I'm financially sound, have a lot of opportunities and am probably blowing this all up in my head. I don't need the additional guilt and self flagellation of reminding myself how others have it so so so much worse. Depression doesn't work like that. I am grateful for everything good I have in my life. That still doesn't stop my mind wanting me to die.
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