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Maths and Me
10 months ago · · Stress
I am broken inside. Not quite literally but more emotionally. Although I am sure many people can relate to this, I write because I am quite broken because of Maths. The subject Mathematics. Probably a silly reason right? I mean yes, considering all those people out in the world who are struggling with poverty, family/relationship breakups, physical abuse, and many, many other terrible things, a random person on the internet who is 'struggling with Maths' thinks they are of any significance? Yet, this person here in a terrible emotional state as a result of Maths is writing this because maybe I can share a story, albeit a very insignificant one.
"To people who don't work hard, you are smart. But to people who work harder than you, you are dumb." This short paradox that I once saw somewhere has held a place in my mind ever since. I guess I could say it sums up my educational status at my school pretty well. To the people at school, they see me as some nerd who 'somehow' always manages the top mark, knowing full well they did not put in nearly enough effort as they should've. They certainly are surprised by my marks, because half the time most of them have failed, and I am praised for doing so well. Casual words are always thrown out "You're so lucky you got __ mark", "How are you so smart?" "How do you study, I wish I could be like you", "Can you share some of your brains?" What they don't realize is how much I have worked for this. A whole year of consistently doing homework, starting to study before I even received an exam notification, studying for a MINIMUM of 4 hours per day (note; I also had other subjects to study for, Maths took up a minimum of 4 hours per day), and finally, hours of semi mental breakdowns every night over questions that I could not understand.
I am not lucky. I am not smart. I do not study well, I let my emotions take the better of me. Questions become tedious to do, they start to lose meaning, they become completely foreign. You would not want my brain. The only difference between me and you is that I put in a slight bit more effort than you do. I have gone through so much pain over one subject. More pain than anyone in this world should ever go through for a SUBJECT. Humans were not born to direct their lives in learning and studying, but I stay in this 'societal view' were not trying hard in school is highly frowned upon. Quite hypocritical of me right?
Nothing is easy to achieve, and certainly not high results in Maths. I acknowledge that Maths is art, it is not science. It cannot be learned by memorizing formulas, only by truly understanding the concepts and repetitively applying them to questions. I say I acknowledge it, but it does not mean I do so. Maths is a concept that I do not understand deeply. It is a subject that I do not enjoy at all, yet I continually study the most for it. I do believe that learning something you enjoy is essential, but if it is necessary to take Maths as a subject, how am I supposed to enjoy it?