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My Suicide letter 1
8 months ago · · Depression,
If I’d ever dare to kill myself i would not write one last letter. I would write plenty because I’d be afraid to forget something I want to say. I would start with one general letter. Then I would write each letter to a person I truly love.
Dear whoever finds this letter,
I’m sorry if you have to read this especially as the first one. I’m sorry that I did this to you. To all of you. I won’t seek for forgiveness because I’m sure this isn’t forgivable but I hope you’ll understand.
I don’t know how it all started or how it got so bad but it did. And somehow I can’t find a way out. I tried many things. But right now I’m in a State of mind where the emptiness completely consumed me.
I felt like everything good was slipping through my fingers and I couldn’t stop them from leaving.
Loneliness, sadness and anger filled me. Those were the only emotions I was capable of feeling.
Even though many people were around me I felt like I wasn’t really there. I felt like I’m just watching from a distance.
I lost connection to those I love. And that made me so mad.
I didn’t have the motivation and energy to do anything. I just felt like my body was glued to my bed or the ground. It was painful to stand up and start my day. It was also painful to end my day. I was scared of going to sleep. Because then I’d be alone with my mind and thoughts.
Everyone has inner demons. Mine were in my head. And I was scared of them. While I tried to free myself from the negativity that surrounded me those demons pulled me more into it.
It was like a huge hole full of darkness. And I was in the middle of it. Small. All on my own. The smallest light was robbed from me.
I was consumed by that darkness. Day by day. More and more. Until I stopped. I stopped feeling anything. I reached the point where I can not only feel happiness but also sadness.
I tried to bring it back. At least the pain.
I cut my wrist. After regretting it I still did it again. I regret it. Covering them was a constant stress situation.
When I finally thought I would feel better reality hit me.
My grades got bad.
My friends distanced themselves from me.
I got colder.
I still wasn’t happy.
I felt useless.
Harsh words hit me. The pain was growing. I could feel myself tripping into the darkness again. Until I couldn’t feel it anymore. Again. I can’t cry anymore. I need to. But I can’t. I feel tired. I still can’t sleep. I struggle with trying to act normal. Sometimes my real face shows up and I immediately have to cover up. But it’s hard. And so exhausting. I just want to do nothing. I just want to feel light. I want to be happy. I want to die. But at the same time I just want to live. I want to vanish. I want to stop existing. I don’t want to disappoint people anymore. I don’t want to make others suffer. And I know by ending my pain I’ll just pass it over to others. It’s selfish. But I just want to be selfish for once in my life. For once I want to ask: what do you want ? For once I don’t want to regret something.
But it won’t happen. I won’t do it. I won’t dare to do it.
I know myself, in some ways. And I know that I’m not able to do it. Not like this.
The thought of someone I care finding me, finding this terrifies me. I’m scared of what comes after death. I’m too scared to find it out.
I just don’t want to exist. I don’t want to have responsibilities and duties.
I want to learn how to live.
But I know that the consuming darkness won’t let me do it.
I need someone who’ll show me the bright sides of this life.
Someone who’ll listen without me talking. Someone who’ll understand. Someone who’ll appreciate me and accept me. Someone who’ll love me.
Truly love me.
Not a friend who spends time at school with me but won’t bother to ask me how I’m feeling. Not someone who’ll ignore my downs and act like everything is normal. Not someone who’ll blame me for being like this and using it against me. Not someone who is sick of me and encourages me to kill myself. Not someone whose second choice I’m. Not someone who doesn’t see me.
I know I’ll regret this. I’ll regret writing it down. When the regret will arrive I’ll delete this.
I know this wasn’t really what I intended on writing but I just felt like letting go for a minute.