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God Freed Me
1 year ago · · spirituality, · Explicit
Now this is a little different for me because i would normally want to write about how useless i feel or how unworthy i feel, but Saturday November 13, 2021. changed my life! i went to a spiritual encounter! for 3 years i had the same friend invite me and i would make up any excuse to not go! i would make up the fact that i didn't have any money for it, when in reality i thought my money was useful going out to dinner instead or going shopping or that the encounter would be a waste of my time since it would be for 3 days, now this encounter was only for a day but in about 14 hours my life changed. i went thinking ok ill try it out and give it my all since im already here. but little did i know that God was waiting for me! i felt every inch of my soul fighting to be there i even had a headache and my mind would wander during the preachings but i fought through it. i realized that i wasnt who i thought i was, all who i made myself to be was a lie, and after identifying my masks that i had been wearing throughout the years was lie i didnt even know who i was! i always would pretend that i was fine like nothing bothered me and sometimes wheni wanted to speak my mind i would only say half of what i wanted to say because i was never allowed to finish! i grew up in a home where depression doesnt exist and if you felt depressed you wanted attention, and yes i wanted attention from my parents since i was felt like the odd one out i was the black sheep of the family because i had to many "mental health problems" i wanted to die why was i living i was suffering... i had my parents physically here but not emotionally or in any way shape or form... and im not saying theyre horrible maybe they didnt know how to deal with this problem i had... but laughing or bullying me for it was no way to deal with it... you know when theres an odd one in a movie or the one that betrays the family or simply the one whos different ... according to them that was me! they always pointed me out in a movie and i would watch closely and see why so i can change but it would isolate me even more from them why... why do they think so poorly of me why am i the way that i am? was i born to piss everyone off was that my purpose in life to be the mistake in everyones life? i turned to drugs at 16 years old trying to hide the pain in the high... trying to chug the pain with alcohol just drinking and smoking my pain away i didnt want to disappoint them even more than i had already so i never told anyone and no one found out... i started to rebel i wanted that attention so bad i did everything for it i started to develop anger towards my siblings... i have an older sister who is my moms favorite and a younger brother who is the favorite for both of them... and me? well i had myself... we grow up my sister does things that my parents dont like but they still keep her around no matter what she says or does and same with my brother he can disrespect them and say mean things and they still have him around... not me i try to be understanding and respectful as possible i watch closely the actions of my siblings so that i dont commit the same mistakes and maybe they'll notice me but they never did.... at that point i see that im not approved by them and i never will be and i decided to fill that emptiness i felt eith men who only wanted one thing from me and since i wanted to be feel loved so bad i gave it up... i wanted to feel wanted so bad so i gave them what they wanted so i could have 5 more minutes with someone who i knew i wouldnt see again.... but in my mind i thought maybe this one will stay so give him what he wants and see if this one will stay... and none ever did and if they came back it was for that one thing. i was alone yet again... so much pain that i couldnt handle it anymore and thats when my self harm came in... i was a coward i could never kill myself so i cut myself i punched myself i did everyhting to feel that pain i thought i deserved for being a nasty girl. i wanted to die i wanted to be free from the pain but i was too scared to do it i thought if i die im only causing my family more of my burden to carry... the money they would have to spend for a funeral the time they would need to heal from it and especially the things that people would say about my death to them... i couldnt be dead and still be a burden... even when i tried killing myself it didnt work... the next day they would laugh and call me a dumbass... i was a no body, no body loved me i went to arms of men who treated me like dirt just to feel loved when they wanted something from me... but on that saturday... GOD freed me from my pain God saved me and he took all my pain away along with my embarrasments my masks my worries... on 11/13/2021 i kneeled down and i asked him to forgive me and to take me in as his server so i could serve him and spread his word... that night that he freed me we made a pact and i was free i walked out light as a feather a new me and even though my problems awaited me outside of those doors i knew that i wouldnt have to face those problems alone anymore cause from that moment on he was going to be with me always. AMEN