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It’s almost 4 in the morning and I am a mess.
I am stressed about my job.
I am afraid of being alone with my manager.
I am worried that I will make a mistake and people will laugh at me, or be annoyed with me.
I am uncomfortable with some of my coworkers.
I am tired of feeling like they have a problem with me that they won’t say anything about. I’m tired of their whispers.
I’m heartbroken that my mom doesn’t know where I stand with god, and that she will stop treating me like she loves me when she finds out.
And most of all, I feel sick, because I am gay and I don’t know how to fix that. I don’t know how to turn back time to when I was younger, when I would’ve assumed I liked boys because that’s what they taught me. When I would’ve prioritized a relationship with a man because that’s what I thought love was. When I never would’ve questioned my nausea at the thought of being with a man, when I would’ve assumed that all women feel repulsed by romantic relationships with men.
I’m afraid that if Lexi isn’t enough for me, that it will already be too late for me to backtrack and pretend that I’m straight to my family.
I’m tired of feeling scared because I’m so uncertain about how they will react.
And I’m tired of the snide, offhand remarks about “gay people.”
They don’t know that when they bash them, they are bashing me and it feels like another drop in the bucket every single time. They don’t understand and they can’t.
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This was so hurtful to read. Just know not to punish yourself. God made you the way you are for a reason. You are loved! Go Shine!
ReplyI cannot give any advice about your job.
But about the gayeness,
After some point, you will grow tired of hiding in the closet. Believe me, I tried, really did. But some day, because of an incident, I could not keep it in anymore and felt like exploding. I was having cardiac problems caused by the grief of not being me, not confessing anything. That was my turning point.
Some people need turning points like this to change things. Now I am way happier than before. (not saying I dont have problems tho)
And don't even think you would need to tell you family about your orientation. I still am a believer myself, even though I am bisexual. And my family does not know nothing about it. Because they don't have to, if there will be necessities then some day i will tell.
The question is, would you rather wait the turning point or take the matters in your hand little by little ?
Reply