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As i sit here thinking all this is all my fault i cant help but think what i could have done to save this. after 3 years 1 child and love and fighting its all gone in the blink of a eye one argument turned physical turned something that could have been saved into a crashing fire. what could i have done different? argued less? stop stressing? not to express my feelings? im honestly not sure i will never know cause you cant turn the hands of time. i sit here everyday doing the same thing over and over its a never ending cycle but im a mother and thats what i have to do. changing diapers, fixing food, playing, getting toys thrown, baths, nap times. i do everything all while mentally trying to be okay never having time to myself. use the bathroom and hes crying. havent had a shower by myself in forever. anyway back to what i was talking about, i cant help but think i could have saved this relationship everyone tells me its not okay that he put his hands on me but then again i sit and think its my fault. he always said i bitched alot and argued alot but all honesty it was a cry out for help i was mentally struggling and wanted our relationship to be a little better. he seen it as arguing i seen it as trying to better us. now we cant talk or anything and thats the hardest i feel like. we have 3 years of memories good and bad. thats all i can think about are those memories we hold this was my longest relationship it started when i was 18 and he kinda saved me you could say i had just got out of foster care and was in a foster home he was my distraction from everything he helped me transition back into society from being in residential facilities which cut you off from the world. he didnt want sex or anything which surprised me cause in my mind thats all men wanted but to my surprise not him which maybe me attached even more cause i realized i didnt need to give my body to a man to be loved and appreciated. it was so awsome in the beginning laying in bed watching tv or going out doing things like eating out or going to the movie theater. he treated me so good i honestly think it went bad when i found out i was pregnant 8 months into our relationship we didnt know how we were gonna do it but we did it. we moved into our own apartment when i was about 7 months pregnant then we welcomed a beautiful baby boy in january everything was going great then the arguments started and just got horrible now here i am sitting in this apartment that we shared for 2 years now with nothing but memories and sadness. its so empty and deppressing only thing that is keeping me here is our son i wish this didnt happen. im sorry.
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