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2 months ago · · Suicidal Thoughts, · Explicit
im in one hell of a mess so im just going to vent here.
my mom is very anti-vaxx and a conspiracy theorist. she would rather me die than get vaccinated. i dont think the same way as her, but i would to anything to keep that from her. she got me a medical exemption about five years ago (it lets me stay in school even though im not fully vaccinated). but the doctor who signed it can’t update it to include the covid vaccine (which i want but can’t get for obvious reasons) since she changed career paths. it might not seem like a big deal since ive already done a year virtually, but it’s more complicated than that.
ive been diagnosed as having GAD (generalized anxiety disorder), clinical depression, and have been suicidal since i was about 9/10 years old. more realistically 7/8 but it took a while for my mom to take me to a therapist and psychiatrist. this past few months going to high school in-person is the happiest ive ever remembered being. at least up until this became a problem, i rarely felt suicidal and i actually had the motivation to do work and get out of bed. virtual school was the complete opposite. it was miserable for me since i could never focus and was very depressed. i attempted to off myself twice within that year, and once this year but that last one was unrelated. tl;dr im scared that i’ll try to kms again if i go virtual — and for twice the amount of time too. this is the last school year i'll be able to go to in-person school until at least half-way through my senior year. a lot of things will need to happen for me to go back.
if i did everything in my power to go in-person again, i would still have to do a year and a half of school virtually. according to my school nurse, once i turn 18 (right before winter break of my senior year), i’d need to follow a strict schedule of when to get vaccinated and with what. even though my mom has given me an awful fear of vaccines, if i could do that with little consequence, i would. but if i did, my mom would no doubt kick me out — or it would be so bad at home that I’d have to leave. my dad lives a city over, but because of his work hours, i’d probably need to be able to drive myself to school. even though i wouldn’t be living in the same city, they have this policy that students can continue to come to school there if they’ve been there for a year or more. but what if my dad moves? what if he doesn’t let me stay with him? what if i didnt have a driver’s license and car by then? i can’t just couch surf for six months. i don’t have enough friends for that to even be a possibility. the school therapist was talking about different homeless shelters for LGBTQ+ people i could go to, but how the hell would i get to school? my shitty mental health (and therefor life) all depends on this and it’s awful.
it’s not something i can just worry about later. it’s all i can think about sometimes. i get so overwhelmed that i can’t help but cry everyday. i take long showers in the middle of the night so i can sob and listen to loud music without anyone hearing. i cry in nearly every class. school isn’t even a distraction because it reminds me of how much time i have left. sometimes i have to leave to go to the counselor’s office and sob for the rest of the period. but my mom has always told me that crying must mean im suicidal and that if i kept doing it i would need to go to the psych ward (my swords fucking fear), so i can’t even let myself cry. i just keep myself from breathing so i won’t sob and the counselor just stares at me wondering what the hell she should do.
i know im being irrational. i know this isn’t meant to be that big of a deal. but for the first time in my entire life i finally started thinking about how great life would be away from this place. and now that i know my dumbass is going to off itself within a year or so, i know im going to kill myself. i want to live, but i know im going to want to die even more. i can’t do it again. i really can’t. i thought the last time i overdosed would be the last time i attempted, it was so scary and i couldn’t tell anyone. but i know it won’t matter to me. and now im grieving myself but i can’t tell anyone. oh, and my fucking therapist is anti-vaxx too, so she can’t even help with this. the last of my cousins are graduating this year as well. im going to be all alone. i won’t see anyone new for months again. i can’t do it. i cant. i want to but even then i’d lose my home and my mom, even if sometimes shes shitty and transphobic. i can’t find it in me to mind the massive amount of homework i have each day because i know how much i’ll miss this.