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INTIMACY AND INSECURITIES
2 months ago · · sad thoughts
Like most people , I have many insecurities. Everyday feels like a struggle. The worst part is that it prevents me from living my life to the fullest. I’ve tried writing on this matter a couple of time but I chickened out all the time except this time. Do I have to be vocal about this? What if someone reads this ? Wouldn’t that make me more vulnerable? Sometimes thoughts like these are best kept in a tiny jar shut tight and shoved into the bottom drawer of the biggest cupboard.
Let me explain by giving out some situations where my insecurities got the best of me.
1. It was such a lovely day out with the family . We decided to jump into the pool and have some family fun time. Even though I wear maximum coverage swimsuit , all I could think was that the fabric was clinging to every rolls and bulks of my body. Instead of enjoying the water , I kept trying to loosen up the dress in every way possible just so I wouldn’t look like a blob.PERFECT DAY RUINED .
2. Somedays ,where I have to meet a lot of judgmental people ,I suck my stomach in till I almost pass out. Little did I know , it doesn’t make any difference.
Marriage life makes it even harder.
I look at myself in the mirror for hours. I know exactly how my body looks like.I know how big my belly is or how my thighs jiggle when I walk. I try to pull down my bra from behind just so that the extra fabric hides my back rolls. And it’s s hard. Constantly getting body shamed and getting told what to wear and not .People suggesting diets and workouts. People pointing out flaws that I myself have seen a thousand times and have already cried over a million times. But all these times ,it was just me. I got to see my body in ways nobody ever would. I could always pose and dress differently and hide my bodily insecurities to some extent. And then you get married. There is this person with whom you have to be intimate . There is this person who gets to see your body naked and vulnerable. You wish your belly fat and back rolls to disappear magically , but it won’t. As a child I always saw Ads on tv where the husbands are swept away by the wives flawless figure.i have never seen a body like mine being admired and all these thoughts scared me and at a very young age started hating my body for looking different. What if my husband finds me boring and undesirable ? I cannot dress up for intimate moments without shedding tears. I’m supposed to enjoy making love . When he stares at my body I cringe so hard . Is he not turned on by me ? Does he feel disgusted by my fat body? is he secretly thinking that he should have married someone with a perfect figure? Is he embarrassed by me?
Every time I lie down with him, I make sure to lie down straight so that my stomach looks flat. No matter how uncomfortable it gets after sometime , I wouldn’t want him to see my belly hanging from the side. Sometimes when I lie down to one side I measure my belly with my fingers . Three fingers long, just from one side. I try to avoid him touching my belly directly at any cost.
One day I got tired and it happened. I was laying on my side and he touched my belly ,gave it a gentle squeeze. I shivered . My whole body shivered. Tears rolled down and I was trying so hard not to make a sound. Why can’t I have a nice romantic time with the only person I’m supposed to love unconditionally with all my heart?
I feel much confident after ten whole months but still when I see women with beautiful body , all I could think is ‘does he wish to have a wife like that? Does he wish his wife had a body like that ?’