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8 months ago · · Stress, · Explicit
I am a 27 year old male who is from India. For the longest time I have been feeling down. Dismissing the feeling as just a bad day I tried moving on with life. It remained. The feeling of nothing matters and how pointless living life is. Currently, I am pursuing MBA and my classmates ask me why am I so quiet although they love having me around. To be honest I am not necessarily quiet around them but it drains me out to talk much. I don't experience happiness. I fear one of these days I might snap and kill myself. This has been going on for years but I can't talk about it with anyone. Not my family, best friend or a therapist. You might wonder why not a therapist? Well to answer your question its because I can't afford one. I work out and it really helped my self image and confidence but I always feel small. Not big enough. I may have muscle dysmorphia I am not sure. I feel even when I am around people I am alone. I contemplate death. I took a huge loan for this course and if I die my parents will be responsible for the payment of said loan. Issue with all this is its affecting my performance in the class. I am forgetting words and basic things. Even when I sleep I don't feel motivated. I used to be a person who was into impressing girls and having sex. Lately those desires have gone. Nothing feels worth it. I fear this will eventually take my life. I feel I am existing. I smile and laugh but I don't mean any of it. Its just a mask and an act. I wish I could explain all this to my parents but its not possible. After a long time I am getting great sleep. I mean high quality sleep. I used to think my condition of feeling hopeless comes from bad sleep schedule but its not the case. I have been having the best sleep but still I wake up feeling like this. I've never been diagnosed with any mental illness. I may have something i am not sure. I fear commitment and rejection. I don't like romance or the very display of it. I constantly try to distract myself by moving around or talking to my best friend about his life so that I don't have to face my own life's reality. Sad part is I am not interested in his problems anymore as I feel mentally drained but I do it to distract myself. I take walks alone so that I don't stay by myself and thoughts come in. I don't like watching movies or shows. I just want to pay back my loan and stay alone for the rest of my life in peace. I was amazing at pretending but nowadays my mental capacity to do that is decreasing and my real personality is coming out. Nothing impresses me nothing makes me happy. I never thought I of all people will reach such state of nothingness. Back in 2015 I didn't work out I had a shit body but I was very happy. Now I have a great body but no happiness. Honestly I hate to burden people with my problems so I don't talk about it to anyone. Tonight I am feeling sad so I had to share somewhere. This is me doing that. I tried everything to gain a shred of happiness. Expected a good body will get me happiness but it never did. Earlier tears used to come out randomly. It was strange and I never knew why it happened. I don't cry. Now the situation is even if I try I can't. Give me some advice and excuse my grammatical errors.