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Hello there!
I am a 27 year old male who is from India. For the longest time I have been feeling down. Dismissing the feeling as just a bad day I tried moving on with life. It remained. The feeling of nothing matters and how pointless living life is. Currently, I am pursuing MBA and my classmates ask me why am I so quiet although they love having me around. To be honest I am not necessarily quiet around them but it drains me out to talk much. I don't experience happiness. I fear one of these days I might snap and kill myself. This has been going on for years but I can't talk about it with anyone. Not my family, best friend or a therapist. You might wonder why not a therapist? Well to answer your question its because I can't afford one. I work out and it really helped my self image and confidence but I always feel small. Not big enough. I may have muscle dysmorphia I am not sure. I feel even when I am around people I am alone. I contemplate death. I took a huge loan for this course and if I die my parents will be responsible for the payment of said loan. Issue with all this is its affecting my performance in the class. I am forgetting words and basic things. Even when I sleep I don't feel motivated. I used to be a person who was into impressing girls and having sex. Lately those desires have gone. Nothing feels worth it. I fear this will eventually take my life. I feel I am existing. I smile and laugh but I don't mean any of it. Its just a mask and an act. I wish I could explain all this to my parents but its not possible. After a long time I am getting great sleep. I mean high quality sleep. I used to think my condition of feeling hopeless comes from bad sleep schedule but its not the case. I have been having the best sleep but still I wake up feeling like this. I've never been diagnosed with any mental illness. I may have something i am not sure. I fear commitment and rejection. I don't like romance or the very display of it. I constantly try to distract myself by moving around or talking to my best friend about his life so that I don't have to face my own life's reality. Sad part is I am not interested in his problems anymore as I feel mentally drained but I do it to distract myself. I take walks alone so that I don't stay by myself and thoughts come in. I don't like watching movies or shows. I just want to pay back my loan and stay alone for the rest of my life in peace. I was amazing at pretending but nowadays my mental capacity to do that is decreasing and my real personality is coming out. Nothing impresses me nothing makes me happy. I never thought I of all people will reach such state of nothingness. Back in 2015 I didn't work out I had a shit body but I was very happy. Now I have a great body but no happiness. Honestly I hate to burden people with my problems so I don't talk about it to anyone. Tonight I am feeling sad so I had to share somewhere. This is me doing that. I tried everything to gain a shred of happiness. Expected a good body will get me happiness but it never did. Earlier tears used to come out randomly. It was strange and I never knew why it happened. I don't cry. Now the situation is even if I try I can't. Give me some advice and excuse my grammatical errors.
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Firstly there's no serious grammar mistakes. So don't mention it.
According to me you have very low self confidence. It can happen to anyone. When I was fat , I ate whatever I want. But after loosing weight, I become so self conscious. I started counting calories whenever I eat. And I began to feel down.
Committing suicide will not solve anything. Don't think too much. No one can foresee future. But I know you will surely get a good job and will make your parents proud. You have worked so hard till now. You can't give up now.
Just enjoy your life. Study hard. Work out. Eat whatever you want without feeling guilty. Spend time with your parents. Go out with friends.
You will be successful in future. I promise.
ReplySometimes we get so deep into a dark place we feel like it's pointless to crawl out. At these times you might feel like you need something outside of yourself to save you and pull you out of that darkness. But the truth is it's up to you to pull yourself out. You have to muster every courage within you and take those steps to pull yourself out. You might feel you have nothing you really care about to go on for. You might think nothing will ever make you feel happy again but this is just not true. You're fighting a war within yourself so no wonder changing the way you look won't fix things. You have to recognize those thoughts of nothing makes me happy anymore, I have nothing good in my life, I don't want to leave the house to name a few, and see them for what they are. Lies to keep you miserable. Do the opposite of what those lies tell you. I promise you will feel happy again and when you do it'll feel so sweet.
ReplyHappiness is not caused by something outside of you like a situation, a person, an event, or an object.
It is who you are when concerns subside. Your point of view about life and your place in it has led to these thoughts and feeling you have. All thoughts come and go. Some leave without hardly being noticed while others linger and return often. Those that leave like this got nothing from you - absolutely no reaction. Those that persist do so because they are given the energy they require. Your attention, an added dramatic story, and an emotional reaction will super charge a thought. It matters not if the thought is good or bad, wanted or unwanted, helpful or harmful.
You are not your thoughts. Their arrival does not make them your creation or make them automatically meaningful. You are not your mind. You are the awareness that has this very complicated and powerful thinking instrument that needs to be understood and managed.
You are the gatekeeper who is responsible for deciding which thoughts are worthy of further consideration, which thoughts should initiate and direct your actions. Becoming an effective gatekeeper will change your life. Its not magic. Its not difficult. It does require some determination, time, and effort.
I can get you started in this direction and will stick with you until you can proceed on your own. Interested?
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