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My Timed Entry
1 week ago · · Stress, · Explicit
I just feel like nobody matches the intensity i would like to have in a friendship, i just wanted to connect deeply with someone, but at the same time im scared because of all the trauma i went through related to relationships. I dont want the person to think that im weak for sharing something with them, i dont the person to think that im dramatic, i dont want the person to take advantage of me. I just want to finally be able to share everything with someone and this person acknowledge my feelings, and also share their feelings to me, i want to feel equal with the person, i want them to put the same trust i am putting in them, i want to be the only one to them, it doesnt need to be a romantic relationship, just a normal friendship is ok, i just want to be able to finally connect with someone after all these 17 years without caring about relationships and isolating myself thinking i dont need those shits, just to realize now that i was just scared of someone knowing who i am, knowing my feelings, bc i didnt want to know me either, i dont wanna look inside of me, i hate myself, i never thought i would say it, bc all this time i thought i loved myself just bc i was confident in my abilites, but its not bc im confident in everything externally, that i have confidence in myself internally, thats why i have social anxiety, that why i isolated myself, thats why i could never get the intensity i wanted, because everytime i got close to it i isolated myself from the person again, i cant mantain relationships and i cant connect with people, because i fucking hate myself. if someone asked me what i would like to change in me externally and internally, i would say that i wouldnt change nothing externally, i like my appearance, i like my style, i like my voice, i like my abiilities, but i would change everything internally, i hate everything about me internally, i feel like a shit and act like im a god, when im not. thats why im always sad, no matter what material things you have, doesnt matter your genetics, doesnt matter anything superficial like that, because happiness is inside, you can only be happy if you are good with yourself, people are not going to make you feel better, you, you are the only person who can make yourself happy, the people are just a bonus for that. and thats the worst part, how can i be happy with myself, if since i was a kid i was scared of people hurting me because i didnt liked myself, never realized it, until now, and to help i used to punch and be agressive with everyone in school so no one would mess with me, so no one liked me, not even myself. after all those years, to realize that the cause of your problems and trauma were only because you never felt good internally for no fucking reason, it seems like a parasite that doesnt go away, its a disease that is taking my happiness away, wtf is that. and now im here someone who never really considered therapy, searching it like crazy, someone who never considered writing about feelings because felt vulnerable, now cant stop writing, because its the only thing i can do.