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rant of what's on my mind rn/skin picking
1 month ago · · Skin Picking, · Explicit
i hate to self diagnose cuz it makes me feel like an attention seeing melodramatic bitch (even though i know im not rly). but, i think i have a skin picking disorder, maybe like ocd related or dermatillomania or something. but then i look those disorders up and some ppl have it so bad that i think maybe im overracting. but maybe not. i can't stop picking my skin. i started picking my nails when i was rly little, and once when i was in early elementary school i picked off my entire thumbnail and had to go on antibiotics. my acne was never TOO bad but it was persistent, and i always have to pick it. that lasted thru middle school and early/mid high school, but i kinda stopped picking my skin early last year for a while, but not bc i gained self control, it was just bc the acne medicine, accutane i was on was actually working and there was nothing on my face to pick at. before my skin cleared up, i always had scabs. i would sit in my room in the dark in bed at night scratching and picking my face arms neck back legs whatever for hours until they were stinging bleeding swollen etc. id cry myself to sleep bc of this, and i even tried putting vaseline on my fingers so theyd be too slippery to pick at my skin, or i would put socks on my hands when sleeping so i wouldn't pick but even that wouldn't help. despite my best efforts to hide my scabs and redness with makeup, headbands, my hair, etc my dad would always notice. he would threaten to duct tape gloves to my hands and worse if i didn't stop picking and he humiliated me and made me feel pathetic anxious weak and disgusting about myself because of my picking. he offerred to get me put on medication to help me stop having the urge to pick but i turned it down bc he said it so condescending that i felt so awful and embarassed and stupid. i went to therapy like 3 times for anxiet, my picking, and something else the summer of 2020 and i did stop picking for a while, but it was bc of my medicine for acne working not the therapy. but now my acne is coming back and my derm doesn't really want to put me back on accutane bc it's such a harsh drug on your skin, internal organs, and mind, and even tho i didn't rly experience the mental side effects last time i took accutane,(it can cause depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts etc), i don't want to experience them if i take it again, especially since winter time is really hard for me mentally because last winter was really hard with covid and being isolated from my friends and my swim coach passed away and i was really close with her and she was so young. back to the dermatillomania/skin picking thing, i keep thinking that i almost wish i could be evaluated and possibly diagnosed with it or something anything just so i can have an answer or an explanation of why my mind is like this and why i can't stop picking, but then i get kinda disgusted and hateful at myself because i get angry that i "want" something like that cuz it feels like im making and excuse like, "oh, i have this disorder so its ok if i pick bc i cant help it" and then i excuse myself and my picking could potentially get worse. it also feels like im romanticizing mental illness and i hate myself for that and i can't explain why i feel that i want a diagnosis, except i kinda can. idk im just rly frustrated atm and idk what to do. i feel so conflicted and anxious all the time and especially since the swim season is over and i have more free time to pick and stress and be unhappy because i'm not seeing any of my friends from swim bc they are all in lower grades than me and i never see them and that makes me so sad.