Trapped in Now a Replica of Yesterday

It is hard to feel like you have no one to talk to

It is hard to feel like crying is wrong

Like crying is synonymous to weak and guilt

It is hard to be joking everyday to make a mends or be likable

At least to endure me

I am so passionate about others but others barely acknowledge my existence outside from my facade

I don’t know what loving myself means but yet pretend so highly confident I have

Its like a spoiled kid bragging of the things they don’t actually own

I only feel sexy when I play other characters

I only feel confident when I don’t expose my real self

Yet I have develop such a deep mask or other life storyline

That I'm afraid I no longer know the real one

But I can still feel its grasp on me

Holding on like a tangled stubborn vine

Which no beginning or end

All it has left behind its emotions

Emotions I don’t comprehend where they come from

Because I have decided to erase my traumas and pretend to be happy

As if that would have solve shit

when I was 14 I dreamt to be 18 and escape my situation

Go to college far away alone without anybody holding my past against me

Well I'm 18 almost 19 and starting uni living with my sister

Someone I love who pretends to love

While blackmailing me to her advantage and uses my abuse past to undermine me

dares to say “I love you”

Hopefully when I finish uni I can finish the dreams I had when I was 14